Capture your grief. Day 10. Support (and Eva's fourth birthday).

When Eva was sick we had an outpouring of support. When she died, that support continued, for about two months. And, just when I felt like I needed it most, people moved on with their lives...but some stayed and I was thankful, and years later, I realize that some is all I needed. 

Some left in a whirlwind of pain. 

One friend, Holly, was struggling with depression when Eva died. She came and sat on my couch with me for days and weeks. I don't even remember how much time she spent on my couch. And it was what I needed. Someone to just show up for me, and BE there. I told her once that I liked having her there because she wasn't too happy. Her depression and my complete lack of joy made us a not completely joyless match. The time after Eva's death cemented our friendship in the same way it shattered so many others.

On another note. Yesterday was Eva's fourth birthday.

 I redid her table.

The banner with her name on it on the bottom was made by Holly.

And here is Eva at six weeks old wearing that same corduroy dress.

And, oh, how I wish I could turn back time...even for just an hour...

I got my hair cut yesterday. Because, well, what do you on your dead daughter's birthday anyway? Although I must say I did think about how much I would have liked to take her to the salon with me. 

We had artichoke hearts with our supper last night for our heart girl. We also had sweet potatoes because she was so sweet. And angel food cake. The only day of the year when we eat angel food cake. My wee four year old girl, eating cake with the angels...how I miss you.

Altogether the day wasn't too terrible. 

Felix slept through most of it.

Samuel wrote about it in his journal. 

In addition to birthday candles we also lit a candle for October 15th stillbirth and infant loss day. The irony never ceases to amaze me that her birthday is on that day. 

Good night dear ones. May the day be brighter tomorrow. One day closer to heaven.

xx Em