Sunday, June 1, 2014

One of the lies I believed.

Today Samuel, Vincent, Theodore were so rambunctious at church. Hitting, whining, fighting, crying that I felt literally overwhelmed to tears with the not knowing what to do with them...and then satan whispered in my ear that everyone in church could see that Eva died because it's obvious I can't even take care of the kids I have. I knew it was a lie but it buried itself into me and took root in my heart so stubbornly that the tears just kept coming. I wondered if that was the truth, even while I knew that it was a lie. I really felt like satan got the better of me as I struggled through the myriad of emotions inflicted upon me today.
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11 comments:

  1. CherylJune 2, 2014 at 5:04 AM

    I'm so sorry! ((((Hugs)))) I read somewhere to say to people when your children aren't acting well, to say "we are a work in progress". So true...even for adults. Hope you are feeling better today. The enemy prowls around our family on Sunday mornings. Seems to be the most difficult morning to deal with during the week sometimes.

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    1. EmJune 2, 2014 at 6:28 AM

      There were a lot of factors to the behaviour that happened on Sunday but the worst, by far, was the lie whispered to me about Eva. It still brings me to tears today even while my kids are being normal.

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    2. CherylJune 2, 2014 at 8:32 PM

      I do understand to some degree, although I know our circumstances are different. Caleb died in his crib because his neck got stuck. I am attacked by the enemy on many levels in regard to this. I lose sleep about it and because it was on my "watch" it is too difficult for me to even think about without feeling like I'm being crushed by the enemy, without the ability to breathe. I am so sorry that you believed that lie at church. We all fall short of perfection. (((hugs)))

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    3. EmJune 4, 2014 at 2:52 PM

      Eva is a weakness for me like Caleb is a weakness for you. It's a crack that can be abused. Our children are always on our watch no matter where they are...

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  2. Grace's MomJune 2, 2014 at 4:36 PM

    Don't let that horrible thought take root in your mind. Spray it with some virtual weed killer! Kids will be kids, especially under the age of 6 like you boys are. Heck I have a hard time staying focused and polite in church (this week I was thrilled that a poopy diaper change got me out of most of the sermon). You are a great mom and you have great kids, they just weren't having a great day. Sending hugs!

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    1. EmJune 4, 2014 at 2:47 PM

      Oh graces mom...if you only saw me some days y would wonder why god gave me so many boys...

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  3. Catherine WJune 4, 2014 at 4:57 AM

    Oh Em my dear. I often feel this too. That she died because I could not have mothered twins. Now I feel that other judge me for having the three that I do have, especially my latest baby, when I do not always appear to be in control of the two that I had previously. And no way could I have managed four. Sigh.
    I don't know about satan but I do know that it isn't true. Children aren't handed about according to their parents ability to love them or to manage them. But I think I know what you mean, that somehow these lies take root in our hearts. I'm so sorry. We are all just doing the best we can and some days are better than others xx

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    1. EmJune 4, 2014 at 2:49 PM

      I know it's not true but the lie persists and sometimes I lie awake thinking that I just cannot other girls. It's true that mothering Josie is hard fr a myriad of reasons and maybe I would suck at mothering my little Eva too...and yes I know we are all just doing the best we can and muddling through. Thanks for commenting. I've missed you.

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  4. Heidi HamiltonJune 4, 2014 at 9:15 AM

    I am so sorry :-( with 3 children very close in ages, we have that problem often & it can be so overwhelming.it's so hard. But just the fact that you recognized the source of that whispering says that you are close to the spirit and can defeat the untruth, as real as it may seem

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    1. EmJune 4, 2014 at 2:51 PM

      I often think about you Heidi and our opposite yet the same families. Thanks for commenting.

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  5. SusanJune 4, 2014 at 11:30 PM

    Actually I think it would be brilliant - if parents deserved to lose their kids... if there was some sort of sense to what happened to us. Nope though - it's just random. Eva died because she had a heart problem, not because you lack as a parent. We are just a bit fucked up now, and our hearts keep searching for answers that make sense of it all, so I don't really think its the Devil either. You are a lovely mum Em - and you carry a lot of - being pregnant, having a big family of living kids and the grief. I'm so sorry - keep going - it will get better xx

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