My friend, Lena, came to visit Eva and I when Eva was in PICU. She said that the more children you have the more chance you have of heartbreak. At the time I flippantly replied that you also have more chance of having some left.
I had no idea at that time what a huge and gaping wound losing just one of my precious children would feel like.
Sometimes I look at my children that I have left and I wonder which one will get sick and/or die next. I think about the pain and how I will or won't cope. Would it be easier or harder since I have walked this road before?
Would I keep my mind or would that be what sends me over the edge into insanity?
Daily I struggle to find joy in the simple things of life now. Would I ever find joy again?
I think now I know I would survive because now I know that no matter how much I can will myself to die somehow I just keep breathing. And that is the crux of it. Against all will, wishes, desires, prayers, I would continue to live.
Bloody hell - that's a bit cheery.
ReplyDeleteYup - get all of that.. I think before your kids die, you can do that head in the sand tick, where you go "I would die if it happened to me" - we know you wouldn't. It would just hurt. I all honestly I think it would just be the same... 1 year of horrific intense pain...followed by intense hurt... followed by ocassional moments of perkiness... and eventually after 3 or 4 years, you'd be er... back here.
The thing is - the overwhelming odds are that it won't happen again. I do my best to live in the moment and I know you do too... I suppose the reality is that knowing how awful it is, it is hard not to worry xx
Haha Susan, I wasn't going for cheery. That was yesterday's post. But it's true isn't it...we would survive, and that's probably the worst news of it all.
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