My friend, Lena, came to visit Eva and I when Eva was in PICU. She said that the more children you have the more chance you have of heartbreak. At the time I flippantly replied that you also have more chance of having some left.
I had no idea at that time what a huge and gaping wound losing just one of my precious children would feel like.
Sometimes I look at my children that I have left and I wonder which one will get sick and/or die next. I think about the pain and how I will or won't cope. Would it be easier or harder since I have walked this road before?
Would I keep my mind or would that be what sends me over the edge into insanity?
Daily I struggle to find joy in the simple things of life now. Would I ever find joy again?
I think now I know I would survive because now I know that no matter how much I can will myself to die somehow I just keep breathing. And that is the crux of it. Against all will, wishes, desires, prayers, I would continue to live.