On this new baby I'm carrying. I have to admit I'm a little resentful he's another boy. And, boy do I feel bad about that. But the truth is usually ugly. So there you have it.
Another part of me completely adores the name I hope Mike agrees to name him with me. The name feels so absolutely just right. It's a name I've loved for years but we just never used it, for one reason or another, for any of our many boys. I've always felt like that name was missing, somehow. And the meaning is perfect and true so it seems right this time, for this boy. But, well, I guess we'll see...
It just feels sometimes like the whole world gets to have their girl, except me. I know that's not true but I never claimed rational thought when it comes to little girls.
I stopped in to visit my mom tonight. She has an elderly neighbour who is named Eva. When our Eva was alive we called them big Eva and little Eva. I have not really spoken to this big Eva since our little Eva died. Tonight she was out in the garden and I spoke to her. But it was hard to look her in the eye and I did not once say her name. It hurts too much. This elderly lady with the same name as my wee baby girl. And I resented her. Resented her for drawing breath at seventy when my little Eva never even saw seven. Resented her for having the name Eva for seventy years longer on earth.
I wonder if big Eva ever remembers the little Eva I used to tote along...
I'm sorry it feels like that... that everyone else is able to keep their daughter. I have always felt similarly about my son B.W., my first child (who died in 2006). Since then, it seems like everyone around me is able to keep and enjoy their firstborn son. Now that Zachary is dead (too!), I pretty much resent..., well,... everyone. I know it's still very soon after his death, but I can hardly see this particular pain easing..., that somehow I have been given the burden of 2 dead children, while the rest of the (modern) world frolicks with whole/complete families.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is ugly.
Yes the truth is ugly sometimes isn't it? I'm so sorry about the loss of your wee boys. So unfair.
DeleteI found it do hard to accept that R is a boy, I still find it hard now. :) I'm sure big Eva remembers little Eva how could she not she was beautiful and her personality shines out in the words you write about her
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to comment Sally. I wish we didn't know each other.
ReplyDelete*sad smile* yes, we are on the opposite ends of the spectrum, right? What I wouldn't give to have a baby boy. What you wouldn't give to have a baby girl. I understand about being resentful. I am 35. I have given birth to five children. I would really like to be done. But I would also like to not have Link's clothes in boxes forever. I would like to see them on another baby boy of my very own. I'm afraid if it was another girl, I might be really frustrated with God. Which is why it would probably happen - because I need to learn to let go & trust Him.
ReplyDeleteI thought about our opposite yet parallel lives when I read about Noelle. With another boy on the way we have decided to make a quilt out of Eva's clothes. I kept a few precious things but the rest are gone. I will be 'happy' to be able to see them daily then having them boxed up.
Delete