For awhile, when I was so sure this boy I'm carrying was a girl I could handle baby girls again. When we found out he was a he I was sad and disappointed but I got over it, I am truly looking forward to meeting our boy. But time has done what it does best and moved on. And as it moves on I am finding little girls harder and harder to deal with again. As Eva would have grown older so does the age in which I find little girls hard. Now any girl age three and a half or younger is hard. This is not something I anticipated. This missing of my daughter as she grows...
This sorrow I carry. It does not fade. It changes and I can deal, most of the time, pretty well but this sorrow travels with me always. I read on another blog that mama couldn't let the sorrow overcome her or she would miss out on the time with her two other daughters. I thought this was well said. I try to not let the sorrow overcome me but the pain of missing Eva is just so strong I'm not sure I can really manage that. I am never, ever completely happy. There is always a tinge of sorrow. Some days more some days less but as I journey through missing Eva there is always sorrow and I miss that girl more than I can describe.
Today Samuel asked me why I want so many pictures of Eva. I said it's because I don't get to hold her or talk to her and then we played around with what we might say to our breathing Eva if she was here..."be quiet Eva, wash your hands Eva, Eva sit still, Samuel you can hold Eva's hand for children's story, go potty Eva, eat your food Eva" and as I spoke those words with Samuel I realized how little I get to actually say her name. How much my soul aches to say her name in everyday situations. I hate this constant aching.
I am not the only one who has suffered or will suffer the loss of a child. There are no guarantees in life but I have to live with my own road of sorrow and grief and one thing I've learned on this road is that others may share the road with you but you walk alone. Grief is a lonely walk.
I know this isn't true but I felt like God owed me a girl of my own. A girl that might look like Eva. A girl part me and part Mike. Apparently God has different ideas anyway and,besides, I know he owes me nothing. I had hoped that a baby girl of my own would take the sting out of little girls for me but that is not meant to be and so, baby girls, little girls...they sting.
A few people have said to me they hope I have lots of granddaughters but that does not lessen the sting any because those grand daughters will not be the daughters of my daughter.
I'm realizing that I just have to learn to live with the sting of little girls. It's not what I anticipated in this life.