I care for five children here on earth plus the one growing in my belly. I mourn one and I struggle with envy. I envy people their perfect mix of boys and girls. I envy people their frivolously happy lives. A life I once lived. I envy people who can walk down the street holding their daughters hand without wishing for another hand. I envy especially people with a pile of boys and a girl at the end. The people we used to be.
I'm old and I'm envious and I grieve. I grieve my daughter. I grieve the life we would have had if she had lived. All our children potty trained now. No massive beluga of a van. No sideshow as we walk through costco. No belly crushing me with yet another boy. A boy I am grateful to have but can't help wishing had been a girl.
I'm done in these days. Maxed out beyond belief. Envious, grief filled and resentful. Resentful of other peoples miracles. Why them and not us? Why any child but especially why my Eva? Why would God bother to give me my heart's desire and then snatch it away so quickly? And I'm done in, done in and exhausted...done being pregnant and so I grieve that too because my heart's desire will only ever be a figment...a mist on the horizon.
In case you hadn't noticed I'm old, I'm tired, I'm envious, I'm grieving and I'm plain old sad tonight. Missing all the should have beens that swirl around me...
So sorry :( I was just looking at photo albums from a year ago and it hit me how much I've changed. Seemingly smiling happy outgoing to a much different woman today. I am a lot more somber and down at times and I have aged. My hair is getting white. I feel old too. I long for the days when I didn't know the feeling of losing a child. I pray that over time these things will change for the better. I pray for joy and peace and God does give me moments of them, which I am grateful for.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I didn't realize about grief was the actual physical toll it takes on your body long term. How it would wear me out and age me. Thanks for commenting Cheryl.
DeleteMy heart breaks for you how I wish I could come up with some magic words that would ease the heavy burden for you. As you know there are none, they do not exist. I will say a prayer for you now and continue to lift you up throughout the day. May Jesus be your ever present help in this time of trouble and renew your strength so you can continue you on!
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to comment.
DeleteBig hugs Xxx
ReplyDeleteXxx
DeleteOh, yes, grief certainly does age a person. I have aged so, so much in the last two years. I wish I could give you a big hug. Old, sad, tired, envious: me, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you MIFD. I hope one day to give you a real hug.
Delete"Frivolously happy." Perfect description. Very well said post. That life for me is over. 14 years after Nick's death I can feel just as gutted, but I don't let it last, because I'm finally in control again. And while I'm in Costco I know I'm not alone in my burden. For instance, while you walk with a gaggle of children there is a woman who keeps miscarrying or isn't able to become pregnant viewing you as the luckiest woman in the world. Em, your beauty is in your carrying on despite the ache in your bones. 3 years is no time at all.
ReplyDeleteI know Susan that there are women who would see me in costco and wonder why I get so many when they get none. We truly do not know the sufferings of others do we? Even here one of the people closest to me recently told me that she envies much of my life. I can't imagine envying me but I can see how it might look from someone else's perspective. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Delete