Recklessly hopeful.

We were so lucky to conceive Nathan.

And his little life has brought all kinds of joy back to mine.  I love all my children. But Nathan, Nathan Evan brought babyhood back to us. He is a gift from Eva in so many ways and we cherish him.

My pregnancy with Nathan was not easy. Physically I was fine but I was truly an emotional wreck. I hated people who said congratulations to me because it felt like they were congratulating me on Eva's death.  I wouldn't have been pregnant without her death so you may see my logic. I know it was  not what people meant but that's what it felt like. And I am not going to argue with my feelings, especially from back then.

I started eating trim healthy mama style while pregnant with Nathan and was physically healthier than I had been in a long time. I felt like my physical strength upheld my emotional weakness.

Labour with Nathan was very hard both physically and emotionally. I resented that I was in labour and in so much pain when I wasn't supposed to birth any more babies. Eva was supposed to be our youngest.  I didn't progress because I was so emotional. I wailed between contractions on the loss of Eva. It was powerful and painful. And, ultimately, his birth was beautiful as I caught him with my own hands while everyone but Mike's back was turned. Perfect.

And then a week before Christmas I saw two lines again and I was able to keep it to myself long enough to give Mike a tiny sleeper on Christmas Eve.

I didn't want to tell anyone until after an early scan confirmed there actually was a living baby there.

As we have slowly released our news to some people here in real life the experience has been much different than with Nathan. I don't resent congratulations and I am truly happy to be hopefully welcoming this baby into our arms in September.  It's just a different feeling all around. More at ease than not with this rainbow.

I haven't felt the baby move yet and it worries me but I am trying to live in hope and not in fear.
I was going to wait to share our news here until after our detailed scan and fetal echo but I'm feeling recklessly hopeful and wanted to share this hope with you before we know anything about this babe. Because we are immensely grateful for this gift. In whatever shape our blessing comes in.

I'm also going to risk sharing with you my hope that babe is a girl because Lord knows how much I want one. I feel like it's a girl but I have been wrong with those feelings before so I'm trying to keep an open mind and an open heart towards this special gift.

And I know this hopeful news for us is hard for many. And I'm sorry. I truly am. So sorry. And still didn't not want to post about this wee one.