Nathan seems well enough during the daytime and I'm not afraid of his death during daylight hours but when he goes to sleep at night his breathing changes and I just look at him and hope he will wake up in the morning. Because while I don't think he will die from this virus I worry that he will forget to breathe in the night and die of SIDS.
I'm trying to not let fear rule my life but, truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid he will just not wake up. And I just really don't want another one of my children to die right now. I struggle with just scooping him up and heading to see our paediatrician in Edmonton or trusting our doctor here who says he is okay with how he is right now. Thing is, if Nathan dies, it will not be our doctor who has to bury their child or pack up baby clothes and wake up in the morning to a living nightmare.
I realize I'm going much farther down this road in my mind than I should.
Likely he will be fine.
I just can't handle sick kids like I used to.
One person posted on care pages when Eva was hospitalized that Eva did not look like a sick kid and that she knew what sick kids looked like. Eva looked so good. And then she died. Nathan looks good too, sort of. But I know he is not immune from death either.