Nathan seems well enough during the daytime and I'm not afraid of his death during daylight hours but when he goes to sleep at night his breathing changes and I just look at him and hope he will wake up in the morning. Because while I don't think he will die from this virus I worry that he will forget to breathe in the night and die of SIDS.
I'm trying to not let fear rule my life but, truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid he will just not wake up. And I just really don't want another one of my children to die right now. I struggle with just scooping him up and heading to see our paediatrician in Edmonton or trusting our doctor here who says he is okay with how he is right now. Thing is, if Nathan dies, it will not be our doctor who has to bury their child or pack up baby clothes and wake up in the morning to a living nightmare.
I realize I'm going much farther down this road in my mind than I should.
Likely he will be fine.
I just can't handle sick kids like I used to.
One person posted on care pages when Eva was hospitalized that Eva did not look like a sick kid and that she knew what sick kids looked like. Eva looked so good. And then she died. Nathan looks good too, sort of. But I know he is not immune from death either.
I honestly think how you feel is more than understandable. I feel similar every time one of my children is sick and Bs death was an accident rather than an illness. I think the thing is that unless it happens to you it feels like an inconceivable idea that a child would die certainly not yours when it does happen that safety net of ignorance is no longer there and life without that is scary. Big hugs to you and much love and understanding x
ReplyDeleteThe ignorance died with Eva.
DeleteIf you are concerned, don't feel badly about getting him checked out again. If he proves to be ok, the doctors should understand your concerns considering your precious Eva. I had a couple of incidences after Caleb died when I was in tears on the phone with the doctors about my little one, who was born after Caleb died. One ended up in a hospitalization of several days for my baby and the other one ended up to be an ER trip where she turned out fine. If you need reassurance on the health of your child, seek it. No regrets is the way I try to live now. Who cares if I'm wrong about my fears...
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) (I still check my four year old's breathing every night...afraid that she has died)
Thank you Cheryl for always taking the time to write such thoughtful comments.
DeleteI fear that my son will die from SIDS too; we don't know if a day will be their last. I make sure that any goodbyes (bedtime, off to school, etc.) are positive and always say "I love You," I'm sure you do too. Your fear is so understandable especially after losing Eva. Praying for you and for the health of little Nathan. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThe fear of what we cannot change or control is great indeed. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
DeleteOh, Em. There is nothing I know to say other than that I'm thinking of you all and sending love. This must be so hard, in your head and in your heart. Your fear makes so much sense to me.
ReplyDeleteThanks MIFD.
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