Friday, April 19, 2013


My heart swells with love for Nathan, but there is pain in it.

With the birth of every child, my heart has enlarged.  Each child has built him or herself a room in my heart. A place in my life.

And the death of Eva made a horrible, jagged hole in my heart. Over the last 20 months that hole has been stitched and pieced together. Softened by time and tears.

But with this new little boy building himself a room in my heart it feels like the hole is ripping and groaning. The stitches are pulling and hurting.

I sometimes just.cannot.believe that this precious bundle of softness and tenderness is mine, for now.

I look at Nathan and wonder when he will be taken from me too. How many days, weeks, months, years do I have with him. I think about this too when I look at my other long until we hear the words cancer, heart failure, sids, imcompatible with life...

Right now, though, Nathans tinyness magnifies the fear. And yet, on the advice of a dear friend, I am trying not to give the fear life. Not to let the fear clench my heart so hard that each breath is a mystery.

And with his birth I realized that now there is another piece of my heart on the outside of my body. And I know I would survive the death of another piece of my heart because I never thought I could survive the death of any, and I did. I also know with more clarity than ever before how much it will HURT.


  1. My heart breaks for you. Remember God doesn't give us a spirit of fear 2Tim.1:7 Don't let fear rob you of the joy of Nathan and all those precious newborn memories. Grieving and sorrow for Eva; Rejoicing and enjoying Nathan can co-exist. I like how you put it that your heart is growing but it is pulling and hurting. {hugs}

  2. xoxo thank you for the description of what is happening to your heart with Nathan's birth. I hold my heart often and breathe with it's brokenness. My heart has softened, too, with time. But it still aches often enough.

    Be gentle with yourself, mama. I wish that I had some great advice about fearing the pain of loss. I go through and think, too, about what would I do if something were to happen to my Samuel, and fearing the pain of it is real for me. I hope that your heart can linger in those moments of pure love, free from the fear.