My heart swells with love for Nathan, but there is pain in it.
With the birth of every child, my heart has enlarged. Each child has built him or herself a room in my heart. A place in my life.
And the death of Eva made a horrible, jagged hole in my heart. Over the last 20 months that hole has been stitched and pieced together. Softened by time and tears.
But with this new little boy building himself a room in my heart it feels like the hole is ripping and groaning. The stitches are pulling and hurting.
I sometimes just.cannot.believe that this precious bundle of softness and tenderness is mine, for now.
I look at Nathan and wonder when he will be taken from me too. How many days, weeks, months, years do I have with him. I think about this too when I look at my other children...how long...how long until we hear the words cancer, heart failure, sids, imcompatible with life...
Right now, though, Nathans tinyness magnifies the fear. And yet, on the advice of a dear friend, I am trying not to give the fear life. Not to let the fear clench my heart so hard that each breath is a mystery.
And with his birth I realized that now there is another piece of my heart on the outside of my body. And I know I would survive the death of another piece of my heart because I never thought I could survive the death of any, and I did. I also know with more clarity than ever before how much it will HURT.