Monday, April 8, 2013

More questions than answers.

We had a lay speaker at our church yesterday. He preached a good sermon but painful for me. Andre is 56 years old and had a heart attack in October. He was in hospital for 6 weeks and went through heart surgery. He's alive to tell the story.

It makes me so angry sometimes that we as Christians always look for the happy ending person to give a testimony. No one has asked Mike or I for our testimony about how God has carried us and continues to carry us through the wreckage of our lives as they are now. This man gets a miracle and is asked to testify about it. My miracle is that I am still standing and still putting one foot in front of the other.  But no one asks to hear about that. Maybe they're too afraid of what I might say...

Why do we Christians always only want to hear 'good news miracle' testimonies? Why do we shy away from the hurt, anger, dissapointment, pain that God is carrying so many through?

Why do we as Christians pray for healing and say that the darkness has been defeated when someone makes it through? Why then do we say that all is great for them when they die and go to heaven? Why don't we say we have defeated heaven, when someone survives? Why do we try so hard to stay alive here on this earth when heaven is, apparently, so much better?

Andre talked about how it felt like his survival was a 'personal resurrection' for him. When he said that I just had so much irrational jealousy of this old man getting a 'second chance' when my baby girl got nought.

Why am I so jealous of other people's miracles? Why didn't Eva get one?

Andre quoted someone about how we are all of us immortal until our purpose in this life is fulfilled.

What was Eva's purpose? Did she fulfill her purpose? Or is this total bullshit?

I was so jealous and angry yesterday it was hard to see clearly.

I wrote this blog post in my head this morning on my way in to the city for a check up and there was more emotional upheaval.

*Baby update. For those who are interested. Turn baby turn.

41 weeks today

I went for a pre natal check up today and, all of a sudden, baby is breech. Crap! I couldn`t have been more surprised.

I went to the chiropractor straight away and she did a Webster technique, to try and turn the baby. I went to accupuncture, to try and turn the baby. I came home and did multiple inversions and a breech tilt, to try and turn the baby. I put an ice pack on the baby's head and a hot pad on my pelvis while lying upside down, to try and turn the baby. As of right now baby is still breech.

None of the professionals I saw today have heard of a baby turning breech past 40 weeks. That`s a problem that`s seen at 36ish weeks. Not post date.

We have one day and one day only.

Tomorrow we are going swimming so I can stand on my head in the water, to try and turn the baby. I'll go to the chiropractor again.

If baby hasn't turned by Wednesday morning we will be heading to the hospital to attempt an external version. The external version may work and all will be fine. Or it may not work and we`ll be sent home. Or it may not work and we`ll get an emergency c-section and baby will be fine or it may not work and we`ll get an emergency c-section and there won`t be  enough time and baby will die.

So I've gone from hoping labour starts to hoping it won't and I know that ultimately I want a breathing baby more than a good labour and delivery. But, greedily, I guess I want both. I can`t help but wonder what will happen and I hope I don`t have to eat these words in a few days, when I know the outcome.

Not knowing sucks but knowing may suck more.


  1. so sorry that you have been going through a difficult time. I think sometimes until one has gone through a similar circumstance that they really don't know how to act around someone who is going through a trial that they are unfamiliar with. Coupled with the fact that years ago if a woman had a baby who died, the community as a whole really didn't talk about it, even less than we are able to do today with the dawn of the internet, blogs, fb, and just more acceptance in general than years ago. That is not to say that people are comfortable with bringing up such a huge loss to the person/persons affected.

    When there is a happy ending it is much easier to approach the person to ask them how they made it through spiritually, but I think that people are more apt to give us that are grieving "room" to grieve by not bringing it up. By bringing it up they might make us sad they might think. They might, but it makes our hearts happy to know that someone remembers our beloved child.

    I think that God has allowed some of us to lose our children for reasons we will never know, but I know that one of the reasons might be that we can know what others are going through and we can reach out to them. If you are feeling upset about what happened when a person that received a miracle was asked about his situation, than there are others out there who are asking the same thing...Where is my miracle?

    Even the man who experienced the miracle will die someday and all of us need to know that even though these days are dark and long sometimes, that we will make it through by the strength of God almighty, not on our own strength.

    I think it puts us in a good position to be a kind voice for the community at large and for others who are grieving and hurting and a shoulder to cry on.

    I had a baby who turned constantly (my son Nate) and even up until the day that he was born (I think he was over 40 weeks gestation) he was turning. They were able to do an external version and he was born sometime later that day.

    I took comfort in knowing that the doctors knew that if he became distressed that they had a c-section room set up for that kind of emergency. That was before I had lost a child though and I, like you, would be more concerned after losing a child...although the doctors are still as competent.

    Prayers for you for a wonderful safe delivery, whatever way the baby ends up needing to be born.

    With Hope and love,

    1. Cheryl, Thank you about your story about Nate. And, yes, there will be an OR ready if needed. But, I guess now I know more unhappy endings and I just can't fathom bringing home a living baby in a few days. Thank you also for your perspective on pain. I know it but it helps to be reminded.

  2. Em, I had these same feelings at Easter. It was brought up during the service how God performed a miracle by saving an woman who is a member and is 70+ from a heart aneurism. I immediately felt bitter and jealous. I prayed so hard for a miracle to happen with my daughter and didn't get it yet God saves an old woman?!? In my worldly, grieving mind, I felt cheated by God. And then felt guilty for feeling like that. It doesn't make sense. And I will question this until I get to heaven myself and get to see Avery again.

    Praying your little one turns around so you have a great delivery.

    1. Crystal,
      All I can think about sometimes is that when I get to heaven all the tears will be wiped away...and as I hold my daughter again, so will the questions. Until then, we wait.

  3. Em, I don't think your jealous feelings are "irrational". Sounds perfectly rational to me. Old man survives his heart issues while a little baby dies. It's completely unfair.

    Maybe Eva's main purpose in life was to just to be your baby, to be loved enormously by her family and to love them back. And this purpose was certainly fulfilled. Whether or not there was a grand-scheme-of-things purpose for her, you wouldn't have loved her any more or less.

    I'm so sorry for the unexpected turn in your pregnancy. I really hope that stubborn baby turns for you. However, I think that if you end up having a less than perfect birth but get a perfect living baby out of it, it won't matter to you as much after the fact as it does now. And if a c-section happens it probably won't be as bad as you fear. But I most certainly understand your strong desire for a natural birth. I hope all goes well for you and baby.

    1. Thank you TS. You're likely right about the CSection but I also know the recovery is long and I have multiple children to care for as well as a c-section increasing risks in a subsequent pregnancy.

  4. Oh gawd, what a horrible predicament! And just why you thought you'd cleared most of the hurdles (in pregnancy that is). Sending you energy to endure whatever these next days entail.

    C'mon baby flip!

    1. I couldn't agree more...c'mon baby flip.

  5. Oh, Em. I know that in this world where babies die, there is nothing that I can honestly say that can make everything okay. It is scary. You are so brave to be willing to wait for the good labor and good delivery, because yes, that would be so wonderful. Acupuncture worked for me for flipping Nathaniel. I hope that this new little one turns soon <3

    1. Thank you Suzanne. I daily hope for you.
      So far, acupuncture hasn't worked for me. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm mainly hoping for a heartbeat on the monitor when we go in.

  6. Goodness, right at the end there and something like this comes up. I hope that everything has gone well today, the the baby flipped, that labor will be good, that you will bring this baby home alive and well. Praying for you!

    And I wish I had answers to the questions you put out there. I don't. I struggle(d) with many of those myself. xx