We had a lay speaker at our church yesterday. He preached a good sermon but painful for me. Andre is 56 years old and had a heart attack in October. He was in hospital for 6 weeks and went through heart surgery. He's alive to tell the story.
It makes me so angry sometimes that we as Christians always look for the happy ending person to give a testimony. No one has asked Mike or I for our testimony about how God has carried us and continues to carry us through the wreckage of our lives as they are now. This man gets a miracle and is asked to testify about it. My miracle is that I am still standing and still putting one foot in front of the other. But no one asks to hear about that. Maybe they're too afraid of what I might say...
Why do we Christians always only want to hear 'good news miracle' testimonies? Why do we shy away from the hurt, anger, dissapointment, pain that God is carrying so many through?
Why do we as Christians pray for healing and say that the darkness has been defeated when someone makes it through? Why then do we say that all is great for them when they die and go to heaven? Why don't we say we have defeated heaven, when someone survives? Why do we try so hard to stay alive here on this earth when heaven is, apparently, so much better?
Andre talked about how it felt like his survival was a 'personal resurrection' for him. When he said that I just had so much irrational jealousy of this old man getting a 'second chance' when my baby girl got nought.
Why am I so jealous of other people's miracles? Why didn't Eva get one?
Andre quoted someone about how we are all of us immortal until our purpose in this life is fulfilled.
What was Eva's purpose? Did she fulfill her purpose? Or is this total bullshit?
I was so jealous and angry yesterday it was hard to see clearly.
I wrote this blog post in my head this morning on my way in to the city for a check up and there was more emotional upheaval.
*Baby update. For those who are interested. Turn baby turn.
41 weeks today
I went for a pre natal check up today and, all of a sudden, baby is breech. Crap! I couldn`t have been more surprised.
I went to the chiropractor straight away and she did a Webster technique, to try and turn the baby. I went to accupuncture, to try and turn the baby. I came home and did multiple inversions and a breech tilt, to try and turn the baby. I put an ice pack on the baby's head and a hot pad on my pelvis while lying upside down, to try and turn the baby. As of right now baby is still breech.
None of the professionals I saw today have heard of a baby turning breech past 40 weeks. That`s a problem that`s seen at 36ish weeks. Not post date.
We have one day and one day only.
Tomorrow we are going swimming so I can stand on my head in the water, to try and turn the baby. I'll go to the chiropractor again.
If baby hasn't turned by Wednesday morning we will be heading to the hospital to attempt an external version. The external version may work and all will be fine. Or it may not work and we`ll be sent home. Or it may not work and we`ll get an emergency c-section and baby will be fine or it may not work and we`ll get an emergency c-section and there won`t be enough time and baby will die.
So I've gone from hoping labour starts to hoping it won't and I know that ultimately I want a breathing baby more than a good labour and delivery. But, greedily, I guess I want both. I can`t help but wonder what will happen and I hope I don`t have to eat these words in a few days, when I know the outcome.
Not knowing sucks but knowing may suck more.