There is one more thing that happened when I went to Doctor F's office. I didn't write about it because it didn't affect my emotional response at the time but it's really been on my mind alot since then so I thought I'd share it here.
When I was in Doctor F's office talking to the receptionist there was a mom and her son in the waiting room. While I was talking to Doctor F she was staring at me the whole time. I felt like she was thinking 'crazy woman' coming in here a year and a half later and crying. When I was leaving I knew she had heard everything I had said and I looked at her there sitting with her breathing son and said that she would feel the same if it was her child. She said nothing. And I felt even crazier. Trust me. Losing your child can make you feel crazy on the best of days but on the worst of days you feel insane, and those days and moments come without warning.
Anyway, I finished my shopping etc and came home. At about 3pm the phone rang and a woman started speaking really fast.
Hi my name is _______ and I saw you at the doctor's office and I remember you from some playgroups in our town with your boys. I wasn't judging you in the doctor's office and I don't think the receptionist acted right. I have no idea what it's like to lose a child but I can only imagine it would be the worst thing.
I couldn't believe I was hearing this. And I stammered out how did you get my number? Thinking that the doctor's office had given it to her and it was another thing to be mad at the office about.
I googled you she said. I had read the obituary in the newspaper last year but never put it together with your family until you were at the office today and said Eva's name.
Wow. Here I was feeling totally judged by someone and it was the complete opposite. She was staring at me with compassion and trying to remember exactly who I was. She had the guts and gumption to actually call me up and tell me she wasn't judging me. It just made me realize again how often I quickly judge people and say they're judging me when quite the opposite is true.
And I'm grateful she made the call. Grateful she stepped out waaaay out of her comfort zone and made the call. It has made a world of difference in how I've processed my experience with Doctor F.
*...and for those who are checking in here who want to know...baby still hasn't made an appearance. Samuel and Vincent were 10 days 'late' and Eva was 13 days 'late' so I'm not holding my breath...although we are getting up there at 6 days over. I just feel like God has a birthday in mind for this little one and I don't want to mess with it right now. S/he will come on the appointed date and I'm resting in that. I feel good, pregnancy-wise and can handle being pregnant another week if I need to be. I know there are many who read this blog who have lost babies in utero and wouldn't go over like I'm doing. And maybe I'm being foolish but I know that babies can die on the inside and on the outside. We're making the choice we feel is best for our family but we are getting extra monitoring to make sure everything is going well. All that being said, the risk of stillbirth increases significantly at 42 weeks and I'm sure I'll get induced medically if we haven't had a baby by then.