Christmas was okay here, although I'm relieved it's over now, for another 11 months.
We had a tree. We had stockings. We had presents. We have Jesus.
But Merry Christmas stuck in my throat. Only one person was wished a Merry Christmas from me. A person who understands that Merry Christmas comes with a cost.
Many people wished me a Merry Christmas but all I could muster in response was "thank you, you too". Have they so quickly forgotten? Is my facade so effective that I look like someone at least 50 people can wish a Merry Christmas to, unflinchingly?
On Christmas Eve, Mike and I got the video camera out to record the stocking madness in the morning. We looked back over the videos in the camera and there was Eva playing with cups and grabbing her little toesies...and if I could throw myself through that screen into the world that still held my darling I would...
And then Christmas morning and it's gifts came and the one gift I would do anything to unwrap was still not under the tree. Again. And never will be.
But we do have another gift and that gift has a name now, be s/he girl or boy. I'm sure most of you know that if the baby we are hoping to welcome in April 2013 is a girl her name will be Hope. But of course there is the likelihood that this baby is a boy. And if he is a boy, his name is Nathan (we have been known to change our minds at the last minute, but, for now, if he is a he, then he is Nathan).
Hope Eva Christina? or Nathan Evan?
Nathan, appropriately enough, means Given or Gift. The whole story of this name will be made clear on another post, another day. Suffice to say that the Gift is not lost on me as we yearn this Christmas. Yearn for Eva. Yearn for heaven. Yearn for Jesus.
Come Lord Jesus, Come.