Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Dimensions of Christmas.

Christmas was okay here, although I'm relieved it's over now, for another 11 months.

We had a tree. We had stockings. We had presents. We have Jesus.

But Merry Christmas stuck in my throat. Only one person was wished a Merry Christmas from me. A person who understands that Merry Christmas comes with a cost.

Many people wished me a Merry Christmas but all I could muster in response was "thank you, you too".  Have they so quickly forgotten? Is my facade so effective that I look like someone at least 50 people can wish a Merry Christmas to, unflinchingly?

On Christmas Eve, Mike and I got the video camera out to record the stocking madness in the morning. We looked back over the videos in the camera and there was Eva playing with cups and grabbing her little toesies...and if I could throw myself through that screen into the world that still held my darling I would...

And then Christmas morning and it's gifts came and the one gift I would do anything to unwrap was still not under the tree. Again. And never will be.

But we do have another gift and that gift has a name now, be s/he girl or boy. I'm sure most of you know that if the baby we are hoping to welcome in April 2013 is a girl her name will be Hope. But of course there is the likelihood that this baby is a boy.  And if he is a boy, his name is Nathan (we have been known to change our minds at the last minute, but, for now, if he is a he, then he is Nathan).

Hope Eva Christina? or Nathan Evan?

Nathan, appropriately enough, means Given or Gift. The whole story of this name will be made clear on another post, another day. Suffice to say that the Gift is not lost on me as we yearn this Christmas. Yearn for Eva. Yearn for heaven. Yearn for Jesus.

Come Lord Jesus, Come.


  1. and if I could throw myself through that screen into the world that still held my darling I would...

    yes, absolutely. A million times, yes.

    I am very fond of Nathan - my own little Nathaniel's name means "gift from God", and my other son, Samuel (you have a Sam too, don't you?) means "word of God." And Nate is just a solid, good name, I think.

    <3 Happy New Year, Em. <3

    1. Suzanne, Your little Nathaniel was on my mind too when we picked the name, as well as another special little Nathan that we know. We prefer Nathan to Nathaniel because we feel that this little one's life is a gift from God, but a gift from Eva too. Gift just seems to be the perfect name. I'm glad you like it. And I like Nate too, but we're not much for nicknames, so we'll see...and yes, we have a Samuel too. Much love to you dear mama. Remembering Nathaniel.

  2. What lovely names.

    I'm glad that Christmas was manageable for you x

    1. Thank you Sally. I know we'll use one of them. I do hope the using will be on a child born alive that stays alive.

  3. I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious Eva. I remember the first few Christmas mornings after Owen died. And how raw and terrible they were. And frankly, they still are. I am praying for your new little baby, that he/she will be born alive and healthy, that you will spend a long and happy life together. I know how scary and hard subsquent pregnanices are. I am praying that you will have some restful days too.

    You are not alone, and your Eva will never be forgotten.


    1. Thank you for your comment Ebe. I too hope this child will be born alive and healthy. I've been reading up on your last few posts. I hope the increase in your family comes soon...