Oh Christmas Tree!

We cut our tree today.

If I don't look at the widget detailing the months and weeks and days without Eva I wouldn't remember the exact number.

When my children were born I counted their time with me in minutes then hours then days then weeks then months...and sometime after their first birthday I couldn't keep track of exactly how long they had been with me but it felt like forever and a moment. They were just born but they also had been with me for always.

When Eva died I counted my time without her in minutes then hours then days then weeks then months...and now that it's a few months over a year it seems like forever and a moment that she's been gone. She just died and my heart aches for my little princess but she's been gone for so long. She has spent more time breathing the air of heaven than she breathed the air of earth. I miss her, oh how I miss my little darling.

And today is another 15th. We cut down our Christmas Tree. We hung our stockings. We hung our special Eva stocking but there will be no excited little Eva digging into her stocking on Christmas morning.

And today I also remember and honour the children who died in the school shooting in Connecticut. More parents enduring their first Christmas without their children. Senseless deaths and I grieve for the world I am bringing my children into.

And still we found joy in cutting down our tree and drinking hot chocolate in the forest. 

Miss you my special girl. Miss you so much my little sweetheart. I love you always and always you are in my heart. And while you were not in the photos today if my heart could have been exposed, you would have been there, shining through.