We had a fetal echocardiogram today for our little hope baby. It went well.
No obvious structural or functional fetal heart disease. Symmetric four chambers and symmetric and normally related great arteries and arches. Normal cardiac size. Normal ventricular inflow. Normal fetal heart rate and rhythm. No ectopy. Good biventricular systolic function. Recommend repeat assesment in 10 weeks.
The doctor who performed the assesment knew us and knew Eva and her medical condition. She was kind and it was nice to see a doctor that knew Eva. She said she'd relay the news to Eva's cardiologists. That they would be pleased.
But no little hope baby is going to replace our little princess. My one and only little girl, who died. I can't help but think that this little one is a baby that would not have existed without Eva's death. This little person who is wholly and completely his or her own person is the child we told God we didn't want. How strange to put a 'face' to our sweet little one. A face we never would have known... I still can't wrap my mind and heart around this strange emotion...I don't even know if there is a word for this.
glad to hear all went well...and little Hope is definitely a very special gift from God!
ReplyDeleteYes s/he is.
DeleteWhen I was pg with M it used to p**s me off that everyone was so f**king pleased for us. I mean we were pleased too, and M was planned and wanted, but like Hope, she wouldn't have been had her sister not died. I resented the idea that is common currency that having a new baby made it "better", when nothing could.
ReplyDeleteI think because people are always thrusting the idea of a replacement baby in your face, it does make you ponder - but I'd rather than Catherine. Of course, that isn't true, is it? I'd rather have both my girls.
I think to be honest a lot of the strange feelings are other people's confusion that this will make us better - I was hugely over-joyed that M was here safely, but I still missed C just as much as ever.
You have 2 gorgeous daughters, and you love them both. I think it is as simple as that. I hope that makes some sort of sense Em xx
Susan, just to be clear. We have called this baby Hope since before she or he existed. We do not know if s/he is a boy or a girl. I'd love either. But just wanted you to know.
DeleteOh, I almost forgot - that is brilliant news about Hope's test - fingers and toes crossed for you all xx
ReplyDeletethanks
DeleteOh Em, this post is so familiar to me. We had a fatal echo at 22 weeks and I know that the relief is huge when it's all clear. I 'm so pleased for you and i hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI also relate to the idea that the baby I'm cradling right now (one handed typing!) would never have been here if my precious boy hadn't died. It's so unsettling but at the same time, I feel as though she's a gift from Jude.
It's not the way it's meant to be.
Fiona
x
Thank you Fiona. I just read your post about Marlow today. I also feel like this babe is a gift from Eva. But it's so messed up. I don't know how to get it all together in my mind. Thanks for writing. And post a pic of Marlow on your blog. I'd love to see her.
DeleteIt's definately a tricky one to get your head around, I think at some point I gave up trying :). When I was pregnant with my son I felt I had to make a point of pointing out that he wasn't a replacement for B. he was his own little person in nature though he is very much like B. He was born on 7 June and she was born on the 7 Jan, he was also born on a Thursday which is the same day my big girl was born so she feels he has a part of her and a part of B in him. The fact is if B hadn't died we would have stuck with the two children we had, he would have never existed but now he is here I feel he was meant to be that maybe B brought him to me somehow.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that many parents feel that their child who died brought them the new baby. I feel that too but I can't help but wonder why...why couldn't I just kept the one I had...and yet...I'm grateful to have this one. I'm so confused and I appreciate hearing that others are confused too. At least I'm not alone in my confusion.
DeleteI am so happy to hear that little Hope has a normal heart, and I am so sorry that it brings up fresh feelings of grief for Eva. This whole journey just kicks you in the gut with unexpected grief sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYes there are times when it pushes me to the ground howling in sorrow. And always unexpectedly. It's hard. But beautiful too, in a strange strange way.
DeleteRejoicing!
ReplyDeleteThat's great news! One less thing to worry about. I don't know if there is a word for that feeling you described but there should be. I think I’ve felt something a little bit like it, though with obvious differences. It feels strange to me to think that if the past were different, even slightly (different small decisions, different timing etc), my children might be different people altogether or not exist at all...it's a bit disorienting, like seeing parallel universes superimposed over one another. But it's hard to imagine this feeling when it’s not just the sum of all the small things in the past that have resulted in the unique and wonderful life in your belly, but also the devastating loss of another unique and wonderful child. I imagine that it makes the savouring of the new child very bittersweet.
ReplyDeleteTS
DeleteI like how you mentioned savouring the new child. It's true. We need to savour our children. Savour every moment we have with them. Savour... I like that word. And I do savour and yes, this new one is bittersweet but sweet too...yes, sweet too.
Wonderful news! Although I understand the bittersweetness of another pregnancy. Thinking of and praying for you and that little one growing within you. xx
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad things are going well with baby Hope. Which never eclipses the wish that beautiful Eva could be with you, too. xo
ReplyDelete