November 15th 2012. 25 months old. 15 months without you. Unbelievable.
Yesterday I had such a good day. It is worth writing about because they are so rare. I brought the kids and Isi into town and left them at McDonald's eating breakfst while I had an appointment. When I came back an hour later everyone was happy and relaxed and getting along. Nice.
I exchanged a pair of boots I bought 2 weeks ago for a different size and now they were on sale! $40 savings! Yeah!
I went and saw our little hope baby on the ultrasound and the tech was so nice (very rare around here) to let Oma and all the kids come in and see baby wiggling around on the screen (Mike couldn't come as he was in meetings in another city).
I went to Costco, Sears, and Superstore with 4 tired kids and fed them lunch on the go. They were well-behaved. Are these really my children? Isi was even bored in Superstore as I was reading labels for too long. Bored never happens when you're in a grocery store with 4 children 6 and under, 2 of whom are skipping naps. Crazy? Maybe. Bored? Never.
And when I came home I threw a frozen pizza in the oven for supper and made a yummy salad to go with it. I checked the messages and Mike got an earlier flight. He would be home for supper! Yay, now I could go to my prayer meeting. And he walked in the door to a hot pizza on the table. His favourite supper.
I got the kids into pajamas and left for prayer meeting.
This meeting is no ordinary prayer meeting. We meet with Jesus every week and we talk with him. We laugh, we cry, we sob, we deal, we heal, we listen, we pray. It's intense. This meeting was so joyful. We laughed out loud till our cheeks hurt. We cried but laughed through the tears. I saw an aspect of Jesus' character that I never knew before. His Joy! And the joy of the Lord is my strength!
I've always gone to him for healing, for comfort, for guidance. But never for laughter. But God created laughter. Why would he not want for my to find Joy in Him?
And through that night I remembered something about Eva. She was Joy. She was the only baby to smile in PICU. Kids never smile there. They scream. They cry. They are in pain. And Eva did all those things, but she also smiled. My little Eva was Joy. And she sparkled Joy.
And it's okay for me to feel Joy too. Through my tears I can find Joy. And it's okay.
Today I made pancakes for breakfast with yogurt and blueberry sauce on top. Delicious. I rode Soula down to Eva's trees and was happy to see her little pinwheel that we put up for her birthday was a burst of colour poking up through the snow.
I rode back and allowed my mind to be with my little princess. My little joyful princess.
I'm crying and smiling here as I write this.
I wish for each and every one of you a measure of Joy today. A gift from my joyful little girl.