I've known for weeks now that tonight was coming. The Christmas Tea. One of my favourite Christmas events every year. I have been blessed by The Christmas Tea for a decade now.
The last time I went to The Christmas Tea was 2 years ago. I had tiny little 2 month old Eva with me snoozing in her carseat. Our first mother/daughter event. I was so excited to bring her with me to The Christmas Tea because it's a grown-up ladies event (nursing babies allowed). I remember thinking that this would be the only Tea that she could come to till she was 14.
Two years ago I was so happy to have my first daughter. Two years ago my friend Paula was joyfully pregnant. I remember her happy, radiant face. In January 2011 her wee son, Eric, died and was born. The joy left Paula's face. I haven't ever really seen it again. In August 2011, Eva died. It seemed like I would never see light again. My constant companions were only tears and complete heartache.
Tonight was pretty good, considering. I sat with Isabelle, my mom, and Holly. We had a great time. Enjoying snacks and the play and dessert. Mmmm. Eva accompanied me again this year. On a pendant around my neck, and in my heart. It's a good thing I didn't go last year. I could not have stomached all the cheeriness.
At The Christmas Tea I had two memorable encounters. One happened when I was re-filling (yes re-filling) my delicious hot chocolate, there was another woman also re-filling hers. She was chatting to some other ladies and didn't say hello to me. Not really a big deal there but if you consider that the last time I went to The Christmas Tea I counted her as one of my best friends, she was at Eva's birth, and her son is one of the only boys my son wanted at his birthday party, then it would be surprising. She walked away without acknowledging my presence and as she left I said "Helloo A". I sickened myself by saying hello when there are so many other things I would rather have said. But I also didn't want to be part of the total ignoring of me that she has done since February 15th 2012, so 'hello' it was. Since Eva's death there are some friends that have gotten much closer to me, there have been some that have slowly drifted away through their choice, and sometimes mine. But there is only one that I can say I know the exact day I had a conversation with this person. The exact day our friendship ended. And that is something I might blog about another day, it's been on my mind alot. Today is not the day. Today is about The Christmas Tea...and this inadvertent meeting was part of the Tea, unfortunately.
The other memorable encounter was I met a woman who had taken a parenting class with me when Eva was a baby. She came up to me all happy and excited and said "Do you remember me from Love and Logic? You have a Vincent. I have a Vincent..." Yes I remembered her, and her Vincent. I was a little cool because she obviously had no idea that Eva had died and I didn't know how to gently break it to her in this room full of merry women. But tell her I did and she asked me what had happened. She was emotional and kind. And then she said she had to go now and cry. I let her go but later went down to the bathroom and sought her out. We had a nice chat in the ladies room, where most meaningful conversations happen. She told me that she had a sister who had had a stillborn baby due to heart complications (you know your bubble is burst when people you barely know tell you about other people's dead children, but there is a comfort to me in hearing about those children. I am not alone). She thanked me for being real and I thanked her for asking about Eva. I can't help but compare that very real conversation with an almost-stranger to the complete ignorance of someone who used to be a close friend.
Part of the play was about friendship and how we need to be forgiving of others because there is so much to miss out on if we're not. I thought about A. Do I need to be forgiving of her? I have forgiven her. For dropping me at the darkest time of my life. I have forgiven the woman in my church. I can't hold on to my hurt and anger but I hate the churning in my stomach when I see either one of those women. I wish A hadn't been at The Christmas Tea tonight. I wish I hadn't seen her there and been snubbed once again. I wish I didn't care.
If you had told me last year that I would go (and enjoy) The Christmas Tea I would have never believed you . Never thought that joy could cross my doorstep again. And that I could even tell someone about Eva's death without breaking down into a sobbing, weeping mess. But it's true, what they say, the pain lessens and though Eva is with me every moment of every day, on the peripheral of everything I do. She is with me and the pain is not so intense. How is this possible? Only God knows.
Nettie (the almost-stranger) told me that her sister would say that at least one of her sons had a perfect upbringing. It's true, in many ways. At least one of my children is having a perfect upbringing. Can you imagine childhood in heaven? I wish I was there.
And so, with this night behind me, another milestone without Eva has passed. A Christmas Tea without my daughter and without the anticipation of having her come to The Christmas Tea with me when she is 14. Good bye dreams of my daughter. Good bye hopes of seeing you grow into a young woman.
Oh Em- so heartbreaking. I am glad the night was good. I wish A had not been there. I know too well the story of abandonment by friends in my darkest hour. They don't deserve a hello and yet we hive one. Yuck. I am so thankful for Nettie. How kind and open some people are.
ReplyDeleteRenel,
DeleteIt's not that I begrudge the hello. I just wish she had acknowledged me. I wish we could have had a conversation (6 months ago) about the break in our friendship. And there are so many things I wish I could have told her. Not rude things just things that I need to say and things she needs to say to me...things we both need to hear, but complete avoidance will never restore a relationship. I had another encounter with a woman in my church. I wrote her a letter but she refused to read it. There can be no restoration without acknowledgement. And it's not like I want either one of those women to be my best friends, but it would be nice to be real. And you cannot build reality on make-believe (unless you are three of course:)
Oh, Em. Your last paragraph...I'm sorry. I so wish you could see your sweet little Eva grow into that young woman. Sending love. And so glad you found some moments of joy there.
ReplyDeleteThank you MIFD,
DeleteI miss the young woman Eva would be as much as I miss the baby she was. I think of you and E and A and little bean often.
I lost a good friend too... but like you said maybe another blog post. It gives me hope to see you know joy again, and to enjoy an evening with other women. ~R
ReplyDeleteRenee,
DeleteI hope you do blog about it. I am afraid to blog about this story. I hope I can read yours first. And the Christ-centered way you always put your posts together.
I wish you could have come to the Tea with me.
I'm sorry you were snubbed. It feels rotten that we have to deal with things like that in addition to our greatest heartbreak.
ReplyDeleteThe Christmas Tea sounds like a lovely tradition. I've been thinking a lot lately about holiday/religious traditions. I wish that Eva was here to enjoy her second Christmas Tea. xo
Deal Molly's Mom,
DeleteThe Christmas Tea was lovely. I was surprised I enjoyed it so much. The only small mar in my enjoyment of it was A, and of course the largest mar, of course, was the lack of Eva sleeping at home in her bed while I enjoyed the Tea.
I hope you can find some joy in Christmas this year as you remember your special girl.
life and all its circumstances is sometimes the test of a true friendship...i feel blessed that we have become friends!
ReplyDeleteMe too Heidi.
DeleteI still get hurt over the social leprasy that losing your child seems to have, I've had encounters before where once friends would rather stand up for a meeting than sit next to me or cross the street to avoid saying hello. It's hurtful that they would rather see me as invisible than to acknowledge me or my loss. It's more hurtful that those I thought would help me though this journey are no where around. The problem is now I've almost closed myself off to them too and my friends now are the ones I've met online or the ones who didn't know me before.
ReplyDeleteWhether though there's been a break in friendship or not its rude not to acknowledge someone's presence, especially when they say hello especially when they were once a good friend.
The Christmas Tea sounds so lovely :)
Just for clarity. She did say hello back to me, from down the hall. I haven't experienced the total avoidance that you have (or else I just haven't noticed) with most people. My community has actually been pretty supportive, with the exception of a few people.
ReplyDeleteI understand about closing yourself off from people. I know that if A ever wanted to be friends again, I don't think I could manage it. It's like, if you didn't know me through the darkness you cannot possibly know me now that there is a little light in my night.
The Christmas Tea is lovely.
Wish you could have been there.
I understand the lose of a very close friend.. the lose of a dear child..and the lose of my joy. I think of the verse that says. "and joy cometh in the morning" sigh..still waiting.(as i do see glimpses of it from time to time.. My best friend that avoided me was my husband. I think I talked and talked and talked about Little baby Eric for months as well as the children still to come.. thinking he heard. I enjoyed reading this. truly. IN a Semi-still-dark time for me I find it rather refreshing that Im not alone. Knowing we walk this with Christ.. with some great friends and with some really crappy ones.
ReplyDeleteI can understand the lose of a dear friend.. the lose of a child.. the lose of joy. I do remember the verse that says "And joy cometh in the morning" In my selfishness I think I'm still waiting. But I do see glimpses of it from time to time. I found this read refreshing. Not because of pain.. but sometimes its just nice to know your not alone. My best friend that I lost was my husband.(yes we sill live together..) I think I talked and talked and talked about the lose of little baby Eric..and the joy of more children in my pain. But I don't think I was heard by family most of all. I LOVED the comment "at least her son had a perfect upbringing" that was so refreshing to hear and seemed to make me smile.
ReplyDeleteForgiveness. Its interesting that you said you had forgiven your friend.. I "feel" like I have forgiven my husband. I have said I forgive you... but why why why is it still so painful..and why am I still mad..hurting towards them.. what is this churning in the stomach then? thank you for this read. and remembering my little Eric. Its so nice to hear his name. Just as nice as it is to hear Eva's name.