I am constantly surprised by who reads my blog.
Today I took Samuel and Vincent to a skating party.
There was a mom there who I used to know quite well and see on a semi-regular basis. We were never really close, nor were we distant. Today we chatted casually and she told (surprise) that she read this blog. She has never commented so I had no idea she was reading along here and there. By reading my blog she probably knows me better than most IRL people know me.
She told me it has been scary to talk to me for fear of saying the wrong thing and that saying nothing felt safer. I can understand that now. But in the early days of losing Eva I used to get so mad at people for staying in that 'safe zone'. Why should they get to stay safe when I had to deal with all the tears, snot, heartache, pain, grief, horror of losing my child?
Apparently, now that I'm pregnant, and have something to be joyful about it's easier to talk to me. Hmmm...not sure how I feel about that but the me that has come a long long long way from the me who couldn't say Eva's name without tearing up, can understand it. And it makes me glad that I wasn't pregnant a month after Eva died, like I wanted to be. Because the hope of a new baby doesn't eliminate my grief. The hope of a new baby is happy but it certainly does not eclipse the loss of Eva. And I'm glad nobody had the 'out' of being happy for a new baby in the early days after Eva's death. And that they weren't able to sweep Eva under the rug with joy for a new baby.
A fellow bereaved mom lost her son in October 2011, less than two months after Eva's death. The day after she buried him she found out she was pregnant. This was joyful news indeed, and, honestly, I was a little jealous at the time. But it gave other people an 'out' to be happy about a new baby and not validate and grieve her precious son. And then her sweet baby died in the womb a few months later. This mom has been served a double-whammy of grief and pain. I often feel so so sad for her. And yet, she seems okay on the outside. But so do I. And I know that okay on the outside can still mean a sobbing mess at home in the shower. And my heart aches for this mom.
The mom at the skating party told me she found my blog 'educational'. Now I've thought of my blog as many things. A place to get my feelings out. A place to truly remember Eva. A place to connect with other bereaved parents. A guiding light for newly bereaved parents to follow as they navigate the darkest road. But educational? Interesting. I wasn't sure how I liked the taste of that word in my mouth. Educational. It sounded so cold and formal. But educational can be okay too. Can even be good. And while the best education in bereavement is to travel the darkest road, I wouldn't want anyone else to walk it.
I am often amazed at the gifts that have come in this package that nobody wants...there is more on this topic later as I wrap my mind around the sermon that was preached in my church last Sunday.
I fell pregnant a month after losing Jude but I didn't tell anyone for nearly five months and even then only people who would notice. I didn't want them to misunderstand and to think that was me all healed.
ReplyDeleteI also kept it to a close group if friends because I felt do strongly that my life had already been public property and this would only be for us.
Nothing can replace our precious lost children but the hope of new life can provide us with a glimmer of light. Sending you love as you navigate this difficult path.xx
I do want to celebrate this baby because this baby is a precious life that we desired. But it is hard to see Eva get lost in the hope of a new baby while at the same time I`m grateful for the glimmer of hope this baby offers us.
DeleteEva will never be forgotten in my house:) But I am so very happy for the newlife growing under your heart at this moment and also little J who is also growing a spot in your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you Heidi. I appreciate you more than you know.
DeleteI wish the things that came out of my mouth were always the right things but more often than not they are the opposite. I wish I had taken the time last summer to stop and look into Eva's eyes and maybe tickle her under the arm instead of just waving and smiling. I didn't know there would be no more time. Wishing changes nothing but I will always remember Eva.
ReplyDeleteThanks Agy. I remember when you gave me the banana bread and the little purple outfit for Eva and told me to enjoy my girl. And we did. That outfit was so soft and cosy. She wore it alot and we have many pictures of her in it.
DeleteI wish I took more time to think before I spoke. I wish last summer that I had stopped to look into Eva's eye's and tickle her under the arm instead of giving only a smile and wave. I wish I'd known there would be no more time. Wishing changes nothing but know that I will always remember Eva.
ReplyDeleteI found out a couple of weeks after B died, I do think people thought that me being pregnant meant that I was moving on. I think in a lot of ways I did. It wasn't until he was born really and that focus of being pregnant was taken away that I really hit a dark place. I absolutely adore my boy now but in a lot of ways I wish that he hasn't come quite so soon
ReplyDeleteThank you Sally. It's so hard to wrap our minds around the children that are and the children that are not. And then the pain hits at the strangest times. I'm not surprised that you hit a dark place after your son was born. Women are already experiencing all sorts of emotional fluctuations in the post partum perido. But throwing grief into that mix can really mess with you. I am preparing for the worst when our wee one is born, hopefully alive, in April.
DeleteI think she probably meant that your blog had educated her, don't you think (waves at your real life friend, who may be reading this ) :)
ReplyDeletePeople often tell me that reading my blog has made them better at dealing with bereaved people/helped them understand.... I someone grumpily snap that I don't write to explain - I have given up explaining how I feel to validate my feelings... I used to think if I spoke long enough that eventually everyone could understand how raw I was.. I know that's not the case... but now, I sort of suspect that some people self-select to come to this dark place with us, and they do sort of get it after all xx
Susan, I was not offended when she said it was educational. Just not something I thought my blog would be. Thanks for stopping by. I miss you.
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