Monday, October 29, 2012

There are pillows in heaven.

My father in law had heart surgery several years ago. He was given a heart shaped pillow to hold when he coughed after the surgery.

This same man is also the grandfather of my children and he made beautiful pillows for our boys. Individually created with each individual grandson in mind. He came over and gave them to the boys. He also had a package for little J. My heart was already feeling tender when I knew there would be no gift for Eva. Of course there is no gift for Eva. But it hurts anyway...and when little J opened her gift it was also a pillow. A heart shaped pillow from his heart surgery years ago. That just sent me over the edge because I know, without a doubt, that had Eva lived, that pillow would have been hers. Hearts have been special to us since her heart surgeries.  More meaningful since she died of a broken heart weeks after her own heart surgery.

I haven't had really bad days in a while so I guess I was due for one because that pillow sent me over the edge and down into the pit of despair and grief for the entire day. I had to leave the room and I went and cried and cried on my bed. Vincent (5) came into my room and cuddled up with me and asked me why I was sad. I said it was because Eva wasn't here to have a pillow. "Don't worry, mommy, there are pillows in heaven" he said "there is everything there as there is on earth but not the sun or the moon". How I love my sensitive little manly boy. So tough and tender. And I'm sure there are pillows in heaven. I don't grieve Eva's lack of pillows. I just want her to have a pillow here with me.

It sounds so simple. Eva's not here to have a pillow. But it breaks my heart over and over again that she isn't here to have a pillow. That she isn't here to smile and laugh at me. That she isn't here to grow up and tease her brothers. That she just isnt' here.

9 comments:

  1. It is heartbreaking for you and most of all for Eva.

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    1. I know my girl is safe in heaven. It's just the here and now that hurts so much. How are you managing these days?

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    2. Struggling. I really can't believe it. Yesterday I walked into my son's room and realized that I haven't moved anything...just in case he comes back.
      How can we know something and yet still not really believe it?

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    3. I can't set the table anymore without counting wrong. How many children do we have? I subtract one but always seem to make a mistake one way or the other.
      The day we moved Eva's crib was a strange day. She has, obviously, less stuff than Graham. I think if I lost a child Graham's age I'd keep that room for a long time before moving things around. Be gentle on yourself. It has only been a few months since he died. Shock can last a very long time. It's not over in a few days like some would have you believe. Much love to you my dear.
      Em

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  2. I'm sorry you had such a rotten, emotionally draining day. Vincent is a real sweetheart. He sure loves his sister and his mama.

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    1. Yes he is a sweetheart. A tender tough guy.

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  3. brutal...of course that pillow would have been Eva's! I'm glad that Vincent is so smart and knew just what to say to his hurting mama:)

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    1. Brutal is right Heidi. Exactly right.

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  4. Oh this had me in tears... "Don't worry, mommy, there are pillows in heaven" he said "there is everything there as there is on earth but not the sun or the moon". Isn't he just amazing? The pillows for all your children except Eva, the heart pillow given to J and when it should have been Eva's oh I am sure that would just about do me in.

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