If only I could see the future.
If only I could know the joy to come.
Alas, I am in the darkness and there is no sun.
But do I really want to know the future? If I had known the future the day Eva was born it would have changed what is now the past. My heart would have been broken much sooner than it needed to be.
This pain I know is like no other. There is no escaping it or thinking about something else. There is no ocean vast enough to absorb it all.
And now all that is left is faith. Faith in God. Trust? Trust in God? Do I have enough faith to really trust God? Does He really know the future? Does He have a beautiful tapestry of my life laid out with sunshine and storms and rainbows? Or is Eva's death just meaningless and empty? I have to think not. The God Mike and I serve is not meaningless. He gives and He takes away but He is not meaningless. Trust. Trust? Yes, trust. Trust that He knows what He's doing even when it seems like one giant mistake. Trust? Trust a God that would take my sweet baby from my arms? Yes, trust. Trust that one day I will know the reasons why. Trust that one day we will see the tapestry of our lives unfurled. Trust that one day we will hold our sweet girl in our arms again. Trust that our lives will one day hold joy and hope again. Trust that Hope is coming.
The faith to trust God. I don't know if I have it. I don't know if I have any choice. The alternative is so much worse. A life of questions and fear. A life of not knowing where my baby is. No, and no. Yes to trust. As hard as it is. Yes to trust. Trusting God. Yes to having the faith to trust God. As weak and quivering as my faith is right now. As little as I can believe in healing right now. As much as the darkness engulfs me and the possibility of Hope seems so far away, the faith to trust God is there. Trust? Yes, trust.
God, I know you're listening.
God I do trust You.
Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief.
Lord, I trust, help me in my weakness.