We went to the greenhouse today. The boys and I, and Josie. And my mom, and Holly, and her kids. We bought pumpkins and onions and mainly we bought flowers for Eva's garden. Samuel picked a white begonia. Theodore picked roses. Josie picked some little white flowers...I can't remember what they are. I picked some sunflowers. We put some seeds in there already but I was worried my seeds wouldn't come up and I absolutely wanted sunflowers in the garden for our little sunflower. And Vincent, Vincent picked a pink begonia then traded it for some little purple flowers, then traded that for some pansies and finally settled on a bright red petunia!
I asked the lady working there if they had forget-me-nots. They didn't. I told her I was making a little memory garden for my daughter. Right away she teared up and said she was sorry for my loss. I showed her a picture of Eva that's on my coffee mug. She admired her. She told me her daughter had also died. Jamie. At 18 years, 8 months and 18 days old. In a car accident, 12 years ago. Even at 18 she still counted the days of her life. She cried with me as she helped the boys and I choose flowers. She said she'd like to say it gets easier after 12 years...but no, however she did say it stings less. She doesn't cry every day, but every day it hurts. I wish all the people who think I'm grieving too much at 9 months out from losing Eva could hear this mama tell them it still hurts at 12 years. Sometimes I want to swear at people. Sometimes I do. But not at the people who I really want to swear at.
We stopped at a playground on the way home and ate lunch. Peanut butter sandwiches and apple slices. We swung on the swings and Holly held her little son on her lap...he snuggled right in. I was so envious. My lap was empty and I wanted to hold Eva so badly. I wanted her to swing on swings this summer. And eat apples. And walk in the grass. I want her in my arms so badly. It's so hard sometimes to see this little boy growing and healthy and eating like crazy. Sometimes it stabs me in the heart to see all that I am missing right in front of my eyes. I love this little boy so much, I really do, but he is not mine. As Holly commented on my last post 'Soccer', today was an especially empty day at the playground, even though there were 7 kids running around. Thank you, Holly, for seeing the emptiness with me.
When we got home the boys wanted to plant their flowers in Eva's garden right away. So, even though it was naptime, we postponed sleep and planted flowers for our little flower. I had no idea how much the boys would love planting a garden for her. They agonized over the perfect spot for their flowers and if Eva would like the ones they picked for her. I started this garden for me and for Eva but I think it's going to help the boys too. To be able to really do something for her. To water their flowers and make something beautiful for their little sister. Always their little sister.