Through losing Eva my friend and I both learned a lesson and had a change of heart. Sometimes I feel bitter that my friend learned the same lesson I did but my daughter had to die for both of us to learn the same thing. It's a hard pill to swallow when others benefit from the death of your child. She gets to keep all her kids, and more, while I learned the same lesson, but lose my daughter, and beyond.
We screwed up, I know that.
I know it. I know it. I know it...but other people screw up and their kids don't die.
We've done what we can here on earth and only God can mend the rest. But waiting on God is HARD. I think I need to do a bible study about waiting on God. I know I'm not the only one to wait on God, but right now I feel like I'm the one waiting and suffering the most. I know I'm not, without a doubt. I know there are other people who have waited longer and suffered WAY more than me. I know many of them personally. I know some of them read this blog and to you, dear ones, I tip my hat, and more.
On December 27th 2011, God gave me the verse below. This verse has been my beacon of light and hope for 2012.
Rejoice in your sufferings, because suffering produces perseverance,;perseverance, proven character; proven character, hope (Romans 5:3-5).
Ok, I've suffered. No one can deny that one. I've persevered, I think. Maybe I haven't persevered enough? What is enough perseverance? And do I have proven character? Probably not. What is proven character anyway? If you know, please post a comment. I really would like to know what proven character is...and do I have it? I think about this verse all the time. Suffering, perseverance, proven character, Hope. My journey to Hope. Suffering, perseverance, proven character, Hope. Where are you, Hope?
How much longer my journey is than I ever imagined it to be. I wish I had a map to unfold and follow and see where the road goes as my life unfolds, after Eva. My life is SO not what I thought it would ever be like. Back in the days as a wild Montreal bike messenger, Whistler snowboard instructor, Alberta treeplanter, girl traveller. Back then, I never ever thought I'd be living my life for Jesus and listening to my gorgeous sons play lego in their room while I sit in the living room writing and mourning my sweet daughter.
Walking the weary road, with Jesus by my side, and going through the storms of life clinging to Him. Thankfully I know that even though I walk in darkness, without a map, He walks beside me, and He knows the Way.
Thank You Jesus, for walking the road with me.
And here in the darkness, I can only pray we are on the road to Hope.