10 months and counting tears.

I need to write today. I need to honour her. I know that writing or not writing on here doesn't mean that I love her any more or any less. But today has been especially hard. And tomorrow will be harder still.

Today is 10 months since she died. She was 10 months old when she died. Today is her 20 month birthday. As I write this it is just about the same time that she died, 10 months ago. Starting tomorrow we will have lived longer without her (not counting when I carried her within) than with her. That simple fact shatters my heart in a whole new way.

How many times can my mother's heart be broken?

I have been so incredibly sad these past few days. The time leading up to Eva's sickness is now upon me and the days leading up to today have been laden with grief, and tears. Oh, the tears. The endless supply of tears from a well within me I never knew existed. 

Dear Sweet Eva,
Mama misses you so much. Your brothers send you special hugs and kisses, via Jesus, every day. You are always part of our family. You are always in our hearts and when one day our hearts beat no longer, we will be with you again. Lord, haste the day.

10 months with her. 10 months, and counting, without.

I will forever miss my little girl that I held in my arms for a scant 10 months.  10 months. It seems like a moment ago that we held our laughing baby and it yet feels like a lifetime ago that I had my little princess here with me. My little princess that embodied so many of our dreams and desires. It was a lifetime. Eva's lifetime.

My little Eva. My little Princess. My little Ruby. Breath of Life and Sweetness itself, our lives are so bereft without you...missing you always, always and forever.

Your Mama xo.