Love, Pain and Hope.

I have been spending some time re-reading the posts I put on carepages before Eva died.  It is heart-wrenching to read the hope in my tone when I know the outcome.  I will never get over losing my little girl. I will never be the same person I was before August 15th 2011.  The post below is an excerpt from a post I wrote on carepages on July 7th 2011. 

Today I learned how to give my daughter injections of enoxeperrin (blood thinner). She needs the blood thinner because she has a blood clot in her leg that was caused by the cardiac catheterization. It's hard to cause my own child pain and yet I do it because I love her. If I didn't love her I wouldn't have to cause her this pain and it grieves my heart for this to happen to her and yet, as a loving parent, if I didn't cause her this pain I would actually be causing her more harm. I have never really thought about the relationship of love and pain so closely intertwined before and the relationship of love and pain that God has with us, His children.

I look at this post of me as a mother causing my daughter pain because I love her.  I think of God, my Father who loves me, causing me pain because He loves me.  While I will always hurt for Eva I also know that there must be a reason for this pain.  I'm sure Eva could never understand the reason for the pain of injections twice a day.  Why would her mom, who holds her, loves her, cuddles her, give her pain.  But I, as her mother, knew what I was giving her was helping her.  God must know that what He is giving me is helping me, however murky and unclear it is to me today.  There can be no other way.

My grief for Eva knows no bounds.  She is my ever-present, yet unreachable daughter.  God how I miss her and what I wouldn't do to just hold her again, and again, and again.

I don't post too often on this blog because it is always so hard and I always end up being a teary, bleary, snotty mess at the end of a post but this has been rolling around in my mind for some time and I had to get it out.