Tuesday, February 21, 2012

These are the days of hurt and anger and faith.

I am so angry. I know that anger stems from hurt and I know from whence the hurt comes.  I hate that people have to be careful around me and I hate when they aren't careful and say stupid stuff. I am trying, trying, trying to grow from losing Eva but it seems that everywhere I turn I am not good enough for somebody.  Why I care is beyond me, but there you go, I do care. But, and this is a big but...I have grown more in my relationship with the Lord in the last 6 months than I did the whole of my walk with Jesus before losing Eva...I have learned to place my trust in Him and Him alone and He holds me in the palm of His hand no matter where I am.

I went to church on Sunday and before I left I took 2 books out from our church library. One is Where is God When it Hurts by Philip Yancey. I am not really in that space...I know that God is here with me and He knows the tears I cry...the day is coming when every tear will be wiped away, and in that hope I live and put my trust.  I also took another book out that I am reading now it is 'The Heavenly Man: The remarkable true story of Chinese Christian Brother Yun.  The faith of this man is truly inspiring in the face of torture, imprisonment, starvation and so many more hardships that you or I cannot even possibly imagine.  It has helped me to get outside of myself and look at the sufferings of others and to let the Lord grow me through this trial knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not dissapoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us (Romans 5:3-5).  I am learning to lean on the Lord through it all, even in this incomprehensibly hard heartache and hurt and anger.

Still, I am human and I am angry and hurt and it is easy to talk the talk about leaning on the Lord it but it is harder to really live it.  I still find myself sucker-punched by people who I had trusted with my grief.  Through it all I am learning and growing as I walk on this long, difficult, lonely road...and, yes, there are fellow travellers on the road of grief but they bear their own burdens and while we may wave to each other along the way, each must walk their journey alone.  That said, I often think about that footprints poem and where there is only one set of footprints that is when Jesus is carrying me.  He must be carrying me now because there is no way I could be making it on my own during these dark, dark days.

This has been a rather rambling post but it is where I am at right now: trusting in my Saviour, hurt by people, angry at so much, living in faith that the days will get brighter somehow....though I can scarcely see it now.


  1. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish that I no one had to go through the loss of a child.

    Prayers going out to you ((hugs))
    With love and Hope,

  2. Joel here. It's interesting that you are reading the Heavenly Man now. You are right, seeing what Brother Yun endured and what so many are enduring for their faith in Jesus gets us outside of ourselves and helps us see the big picture - that God is using suffering, taking his people down the same path he took his Son, in order to show the world that he is more valuable than life itself. To show that eternal life comes through death. And to show that death is vanquished; it is not the end. We may not be martyred as so many in rest of the church are even today, but we are part of the same spiritual battle. The world around us will see Christ in us as they watch us, in the mundane trials of life and in the enormous losses such as our families are living with. I'm preaching this Sunday on our connection to the persecuted church. I'm even using some stuff Brother Yun has said. I'd appreciate you prayers because I am not a preacher. Just a carpenter and an ex-treeplanter.

  3. My dear friend,

    I am waving to you from over here on my path of losing my baby, and for me, too, this path has taken me into territory of anger that I have never wanted and never known. Into territory of darkness and doubt. I admire your persistence in your faith. Heaven knows I've questioned my own more in the last year than any other time in my life.

    I honor your faith and your humanity.
    with love,

  4. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  5. Got my tooth pulled last Tues. Now there is a big gaping hole in my mouth. Aches all the time. Wonder if it got infected. Taking the dreaded antibiotics. We'll see what happens.
    My friends have a big gaping hole in their hearts. Aches all the time. Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and set the captives free. Must be at the reserrection, sure isn't now. Now is the time for broken hearts, captivity, greif, pain, mourning...
    Perscription: hours
    dose: 24 each day
    duration: until they are all gone
    This perscription will cover a multitude of ailments and produces:
    long suffering, understanding - eventually, maybe,
    tolerance, courage, strength
    Very hard to swallow at first. Keep taking them tho. It should get a little easier in a few years, maybe.