Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The 15th is for Eva.

Eva was born on the 15th of October. Eva died on the 15th of August.  The  15th is for Eva. 

When Eva was first born we counted her life with us in hours, then days, then weeks, then months.

When Eva died we counted our time without her in hours, then days, then weeks, then months.

Now it's been 6 months.  Half a year. How have I managed to breathe without her for half a year?

In this past half a year there have been people that have given empathy and tears to us with a grace I did not know existed.  There have been people who have said imcomprehensibly thoughtless and painful things to us.  There have been people who have almost completely ignored our daughter and the horrible void that has been created in these past months. Then there is me. I am all of the people above.  I have done, said, thought compassionate, hurtful, and stupid things...but somehow right now, when people hurt me the hurt goes all the way to my heart and soul.  When people are kind and remember our daughter or do something special all the emotion in me just pours out through my eyes.  There is no middle ground anymore.

I have lost some friends this last half a year and I have barely any middle ground friends anymore.  This is not all their fault...they are who they have always been but it is I who have changed and cannot cope with so much now. Maybe one day we will be able to find a new middle ground. I hope so.

In this half a year, I have come to see that I have some real, true friends. One of them is  Holly.  She started as an acquaintance when our oldest children were both 12 days old...this grew into a friendship over the next 5 years. In the last 6 months our friendship has become so much deeper. She has cried buckets of tears with me.  She brings up Eva on her own and I never feel like I am talking about her too much when we are together.  I can tell her the truth about how much it hurts and I know there are no thoughts in her mind that I am 'dwelling in the past' or am grieving too long or too deeply. She loved Eva and misses her too.   I thank God for the true friends in my life right now.

I have a couple of very brave friends who have called me from long distances and told me it is ok to talk about Eva and ok to not talk about her.  They have magically said the right things without really knowing it.  When I look at all this...I guess I can see the kindnesses, sensitivity and tender hearts of so many really does outweigh the bullshit of so few. 

I have joined a club I never knew existed and become friends online and in person with other babyloss mamas.  Women whose lives have been completely altered by the loss of their child.  Kind, compassionate, hurting, brave women.  I am one of them now too.  I never wanted to join this club.  I never ever fathomed I would.

And to wrap it up I will never forget that the 15th is for Eva.  Eva would be 16 months old today.  Eva has been dead these last 6 months. She literally died of a broken heart and my heart has been broken ever since.  Today is so hard.  We are burning a pink candle for Eva. We lit it at supper yesterday...for our missing Valentine.  I hate these candles. I hate that we have a candle instead of a girl.

I miss her smiles so much.  I miss who she might be right now.  I ache for all the broken dreams that left us on August 15th 2011. I miss the me I used to be. I didn't think today would be so hard, but it is.


  1. "I hate that we have a candle instead of a girl." I hate it, too. I'm sorry today is so hard. I'm sorry Eva isn't here as she should be.

    I'm glad you have a friend with whom you can be open and share your heart. That is a true blessing, a real friend. I'm sorry to say I don't have a friend like that, at least not near by.

    I'm thinking of you today, and of Eva. Six months.

    Sending you much love through the ether. xoxo

  2. My friendships are so complicated right now. I'm glad that you have a dear friend who has been able to stand by you and who you have been able to draw closer to. I'm glad that we have each other on-line.

    The picture of you and your baby is so sweet. Her smile is miraculous. And so are you. I'm so sorry that Eva is not here to celebrate a birthday.

    sending lovexoxoxo

  3. 'when people hurt me the hurt goes all the way to my heart and soul. When people are kind and remember our daughter or do something special all the emotion in me just pours out through my eyes. There is no middle ground anymore.'
    I know exactly what you mean here. It all feels so black and white and if one person says something that hurts me (even if it is a hypersensetivity issue on my part), well, they're wiped. I know it won't be like this forever but right now my world is just too black and white.
    Today is the 16th. Joseph was born on the 16th and he should be 14 months old. Becoming a toddler, leaving infancy and we don't get to see it happen.
    Your good friend sounds pretty amazing. There are a couple of people who have come to the fore like that for me too and I'll forever be grateful.
    Thinking of your precious little Eva on her 16 month birthday. xxx

  4. I feel the same way about the 13th. That is Braedon's day.

    16 months old. Sorry I missed yesterday. Thinking of your baby girl.

    6 months is so hard. Half a year that feels like half a lifetime. Love and peace to you.