Sunday, February 12, 2012

On Pink flowers and White balloons.

I went to Cowboy Church today.  There was a really old lady there that I didn`t recognize.  She was beautiful.  I cried when I looked at her and I knew my Eva would never be a really old lady or a mother or a grandmother.  So many lost dreams in that sweet girl. 

On Friday, the boys and I were outside Costco and a white balloon was floating up to the sky.  Likely some child was crying for it not too far away but Samuel and Vincent immediately noticed it and said, oh, there goes a balloon to Heaven for Eva. Then today came along with it`s unforeseen tears and smiles and flowers and another white balloon of which I write about below:

I was just breathing today and my neighbour came over with pink carnations from the young ladies at our church.  Pink is always Eva's colour.  The sweetness of those flowers coming after all the funeral flowers have dried up was so much to me.

Then tonight I was reading a blog by another babyloss mama and I came across a memorial about Lori`s son, Jonah. Jonah`s mom and dad and others released balloons on Jonah's one year anniversary.  Jonah's mom painted the names of babies that she knew who had died....I scrolled down through the photos of these white balloons with names on them, sort of hoping, but not expecting, there might be one for Eva.  Some of the names were easy to read and some were obscured and then, then I came across this photo and it took my breath away.  To see her name so clearly against a cloud of white balloons against a New York sky I haven't seen in years and years and likely never will again...I felt like it was for me. These balloons, this photo, these pink flowers.  They were for me.

Thank you Lori. I had no idea it would mean so much to me to see her name like this.  You even wrote the E the same way I do.

...and, of course, Jonah.

All this comes in the days leading up to the 6 month anniversary of losing Eva.  The days leading up to the `big day` which is halfway through every month are some of the hardest days amidst so much hard, and these flowers and these balloons have helped me get through one more.  Thank you.


  1. That is beautiful, what an amazing friend, even though you've never met in person. What a beautiful picture too

  2. Oh Em, I am so sorry your sweet Eva isn't here with you. I'm happy there was an Eva balloon for you. These anniversaries are the hardest thing, aren't they? But then they pass, and there is a bit of relief until you are staring down the next one. Love & strength to you, sweet mama.

  3. It is in those moments that we find them. The flowers, the balloons they are little memories for you to hold onto. Bittersweet. I wish you still had your baby Eva in your arms.

  4. I'm sorry, so sorry that your beautiful Eva is gone from your arms. You write beautifully for her. I hope it helps. I hope you are blessed with Hope too. I found you through Sally's blog and am here with you. (I swear alot in mine). My heart is with you and your sweet little girl baby. x