Sunday, January 15, 2012

5 long months

My sweet princess Eva,
It's been 5 long months since you left us to go home.  You would be 15 months old today. There are babies who are older now than you were when you died who were younger than you in August.  It hurts to see them growing up when you are forever my unchanging daughter.
I have a necklace with your picture on it.  It's beautiful. Your brothers kiss it sometimes.   I wish they were kissing you instead. I wish I did not have this stupid necklace and that you were safely sleeping in your crib. We all miss you so much.
Today has just been so hard.  I feel like my heart has been ripped out afresh.  I bought Heaven is For Real for kids on Friday at Shepherd's Fold.  I do so hope that Heaven really is like that.  I hope that Moses is purring in your lap.  My heart aches at not getting to hold you and especially not getting to rub my lips against your downy hair.  All I have is what we snipped off at the hospital and put in a baggie. 
We went to church today and we sang a song that I can't remember the name of but that I love, I think it's In Christ Alone.  One of the lines goes  From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus controls my destiny. I always think when I hear those lines how short your life was, from first cry to final breath...but still Jesus did control your destiny, and mine, and now you are there with Him.  I don't grieve for you.  I know you are happy.  I grieve for me.  I grieve selfishly.  I want you here with me.
There will be a baby dedication at the church sometime soon.  I read it in the bulletin and it made me sooo sad.  It is one of the things that I regret so much, that we never had you dedicated.  We couldn't fit it in before Brian left for Germany and by the time he came back you were in Heaven...We could have done it at the hospital but I didn't think you would die before Brian came back. And then you did.
I replay your last moments over and over again.  How could this happen to my sweet baby girl?  Eva, Eva, Eva...did you hear me as I screamed your name in your ear over and over again or were you already in the arms of an angel? 
I won't go to the baby dedication when it happens.  I will be able to do nothing but cry as I watch the two babies on the stage where there should have been three.  I feel like such a bad mother that I wasn't able to protect you enough to keep you here.  What kind of mother lets their child die in front of their eyes?  I did everything I could, but everything I could wasn't good enough, and still you died.
Every night I go to sleep and pray that God would let me dream of you so that I could at least hold you in my dreams....every night I do not dream of you.  If only I could hold you in my dreams...if only I could see that you were okay in my dreams...but dreams...only wishes.
5 long months of wishes that can't come true.  5 long months of wishing for you.  5 long months of crying for you. 5 long months of hurting.  5 long months of being stretched so far I thought I would snap.  5 long months of breathing without seems like a miracle that I am able to breathe without you. 
I love you so much my sweet Eva. I miss you so much.
Always your mama...always.


  1. Heart-wrenching to read...thanks for sharing your feelings Anella. It helps us who have no idea how you are feeling and how to pray for you! I really wish that you didnt have that "stupid necklace" either! Always in my prayers...

  2. Anella, I love you! I had wanted to mention something to you about this day when we were skypeing, but didn't know what to say in front of the boys, but I thought of you and prayed for you a lot that day. Still praying... love you,


  3. So sorry to read of the loss of your sweet Eva. I lost my son Caleb at the age of 17 months old in August of 2008. Seems like yesterday sometimes.

    It is very difficult to know, as a parent, that there was nothing that you could do to help your sweet daughter, as it is difficult for me to understand why the Lord allowed my son to die too. I will never know these answers this side of Heaven. The following verses have helped me at times during my journey of grief.

    O'Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me...Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex...You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. Psalm 139: 1, 14, 16

    With love, Hope and Hugs,