Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year! Happy New Year?  These words are said with so little thought....what is a happy new year...in all reality our year will have joy and sorrow.  In January, 2011 I wished everyone a Happy New Year...little did I know it would be the worst year of my life...I hope.  Now, I'm almost afraid to wish anyone a Happy New Year...what if this year is just as bad for you as last year was for me?  I'm afraid to say congratulations to my pregnant friends...what if their baby dies too? 
I've been reading the bible alot lately and somewhere in James he admonishes us not to say that we will be somewhere or do something at such and such a time...we should really say we will do such and such, if the Lord wills...if the Lord wills.  If I were talking about Eva I would have prayed that she live (here on earth) if the Lord wills...that can only mean that the Lord didn't will Eva should live here with me...I am trying to incorporate, if the Lord wills into my daily life...but how do you say congratulations to your pregnant friend...if the Lord wills...surely I will be running out of friends soon.  Happy New Year, if the Lord wills.

If the Lord wills...why didn't the Lord will?  The answer to this question is one I will never know this side of Heaven yet I must believe it was the Lord's will that she go home to Him on August 15th 2011...

Tonight at supper Samuel was telling me all about how he was going to die before it was his time to die...before me.  He said then I would cry and cry and wouldn't even drive anywhere...I said he was right, I would cry and cry.  He is so inquisitive about everything and did Cain get killed after he killed Abel (no...why not? he killed his brother, he should be killed too).  Samuel can't wait to get to Heaven and play with Eva again but he also wants to grow up and have a little girl and name her Eva so I'm hoping he's not being prophetic when he says that he's going to die before me.  One child dead before me is too many...the nice thing about the passing of time is that I am one day closer to seeing Eva again...how many days Lord, how many days?

I just finished up reading 40 weeks by Paige Beselt (thank you Arlene) and somewhere in there she says that she had these misconceptions about Heaven...like Heaven is the second choice when we pray for healing.  I had to stop and stare and cry when I read that....yes, Eva is healed in Heaven...her heart is completely whole and she is not on any drugs and no one is giving her a needle or forcing her to take meds 5 times a day...she is healed...but still I miss her.  I miss her gummy smile and I cry when I remember that she had just a little bit of one bottom tooth poking through when she died...that tooth would never grow even though it was there, perfectly formed, waiting to grow. How many teeth would she have now? How many teeth does she actually have now, in Heaven?

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