American Thanksgiving

We spent 10 days in the U.S...we spent American Thanksgiving in America...with Mike's cousin Richard and his family.  I also read 1000 blessings during that time...thankfulness has been an all encompassing theme in my life in the past few weeks, all when I'm feeling, probably, the least thankful I've ever felt in my entire life.  All when I have been hurt and angry and wondering and crying why why why, why Eva? Why me?
While in the US we went to Pennsylvania and visited Mike's grandma Alice.  Alice is a pillar of strength.  Alice is one of the most godly, prayerful women I know.  Alice lost a son (Michael) at 8 years old.  Alice told me while we were there that she cried and cried and was inconsolable for a year and a half.  I thought if this woman, this pillar of strength, this woman of integrity could cry for her son for a year and a half...I can cry for my daughter for a year and a half.  Altogether, from conception to death I had my sweet Eva for 19 months.  Just over a year and a half.  19 months where I faced the reality that I was pregnant again and not being quite thrilled about this unexpected event that would make me the mother of 4 children 4 years old and younger.  As time passed I became more and more attached to this little life growing inside me and when we found out she was a girl, I just couldn't believe it.  We didn't tell anyone...would I be dissapointed if this little being was actually a boy?  When she was born after a relatively short labour I was so excited to see that she really was a girl!   I had a daughter!  I still have a daughter...although instead of tickling hear and hearing her laugh, instead of waking up in the night and comforting her when she cries, I lie awake without her in the night and I cry and cry and cry for this sweet little being that is still my daughter.