Eva's Ride. Again and then not.

Tomorrow is our fourth Eva's Ride.

As the landscape of our grief changes, so, too, do other things and one of these is Eva's Ride.  It's not that we love her less. If anything it's that our hearts just love her so much. It's that there is so much love and nowhere to put it.

So we have decided this is our last Eva's Ride.

Eva's Ride has been a big deal for me to organize. I start with thank you cards in March and I go to our usual sponsors and ask for hot dogs, t shirts, a bbq. It's not hard you know but people get tired of it. They get tired of being asked for stuff. And I don't want to be turned down. It would do me in.

And it's emotional. The cards, the hot dogs, the water, the bbq and it's all not that big a deal except that it's all in memory of my daughter. And it just.hurts.so.damn.much.

And I want to end it when people are still coming. End it before I have to beg people to come. End it before it's so in my face that nobody remembers. Or wants to remember.

I guess it's just time.

I do have some other things up my sleeve but they are much smaller scale and I can do it myself as I want to or need to

So stay tuned something is coming for her birthday in October. Small. But kind.

Much love from Eva's Mama.

The yearning.

I don't think the yearning will ever go away. The longing for the could have been. The missing of my little girl. The emptiness that fills me. The absence of her presence. 

Mostly, I'm okay but sometimes I stumble across an old message from someone. From a time that hope lived.  And I'm back there with her and all I want to do is scoop her up and hold her. Breathe her in and never let her go. 

Time does not heal all wounds. The scab gets tougher but sometimes it knocks up against the past and the pain is jarring. 

Today. Gosh I miss this little light of mine. My little sparkling Eva girl.

Sweet like Eva

Today. Today I had a moment of sweetness. Sweet like Eva.

Today I went to a little local kids clothing exchange shop. I brought some things and I stopped and looked through the racks as my little boys needed shorts. I looked through the girl clothes too, for Josie. And there I found a red shirt. Size 4. Just right for my dark haired, blue eyed Eva. Just right. And I looked at it and I didn't take it. And I thought of my girl and how cute she would have looked in that shirt.

The tears flow now as I remember and write, but in the moment there was sweetness in the clothes she would have worn. A sweetness that surprised me as I took a moment to caress the shirt she might have worn, had our lives been different.

My first taste of grief and sweetness on my tongue and in my heart.

I miss you little girl. Miss buying  you clothes and Christmas presents and feeling your little girl arms wrap around me. Miss your voice saying 'I love you'. Miss the Mother.'s Day Cards and little drawings. Miss the sticky summer popsicle hands. Miss the dancing under the sprinkler. Just miss you my little girl.

One day. One day we will dance together again. And I will hold you in my arms forever.

I miss you.

I just miss you little girl.

Nathan Evan is two.

This day two years ago I felt alive again for the first time since my youngest child stopped being alive with me. She would have been exactly 2.5 years old the day after Nathan Evan, her namesake was born. I am so thankful every day for this rainbow child of mine who saved my life.

I can't believe he's made it to two! But he has. I hope he makes it to three...and beyond.

Today we celebrate Nathan with a quiet family party. Hot dogs on a campfire. Chips. Some veggies with ranch dip. Cause ranch dip is this little guys favourite thing to eat.

And cake of course.

I wish I knew what Eva would have loved to eat. Besides breastmilk. I can't wait to find out in heaven one fine day.

May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He shine his face upon you and give you peace dear readers. 

All my love,

Em

Make a wish

There's a special kinda pain that stabs me when kids we know get to make a wish. Another thing Eva never got to do.

The empty seat

We went to a Passover Seder today. 

Unexpectedly the seat right across from me between Josie and my mom was empty. 

The plate stayed untouched. The bitter herbs wilted. Eva should have been there. 

I practically saw her if I squinted. 

As we went through the order of the meal I learned so much. The bread of affliction. The broken bread wrapped in linen. Jesus' body broken and wrapped in linen. So much foreshadowing. I truly am in awe. 

And my heart is still missing an essential piece.

I miss you so much my Eva girl.