When I was pregnant with Eva I did my doula training. I loved birth then and I love it now. I had planned on starting taking on clients when Eva was between 18 and 24 months old. I was really looking forward to it. And then she died. And I couldn't LOOK at a baby, let alone a pregnant woman or a birth.
But Nathan, sweet little Nathan, he healed my heart towards pregnant people and babies and birth. All of a sudden, I was excited to see a birth. To see the love of a new mom towards her precious newborn. All of a sudden I wanted to be involved with birth more (and not just as an active participant).
I was so excited that Holly wanted me to be at Peter's birth. But things went fast. I got the call to come at noon (they were already at the hospital, Holly was at six, I had four kids to organize and I live out of town). I learned some lessons...I wish I had asked if she wanted me to come over when I talked to her in the morning. I wish I had phoned instead of texting her in the hours before noon. But lessons learned and I can't wait for the opportunity to assist another mom in the future.
I was still so happy to be able to help Holly after the birth. Help with taking some photos. Help with being a support person for Holly to lean on as she walked to the shower. Find clothes, socks, soap for her. It was an honour and a privilege to see sweet little Peter as such a new wee one and to care for my friend in this way. I wish I could have rubbed his mom's back and squeezed her hips but I feel like I wasn't there for a reason. And the birth went as it was meant to. And I'm okay with that. I feel like I'm being given the gift of slowly joining that world.
And this isn't something I'll be able to do regularly and often because, let's face it, Nathan is 5 months old (today, hooray) and I have another 4 older children to care for. But I hope I can gradually help more moms.
I was so glad I has my little Nathan because Holly is my awesome friend and I was able to be fully happy for her and for Peter. Fully happy with no twinges of jealousy. Fully happy. And I'm so glad lil Peter is here now. And I love him.
And as an aside, I love love love Peter's name. Peter is the name of Matthew's (Peter's dad) older brother who died when he was two days old. This type of honour warms my heart in a way it would have never before Eva died. Because Samuel wants to name his first daughter Eva. And I often worry about what his wife will think if she really doesn't like the name. This warmed my heart because I can imagine very well how it would have brought tears of joy to Matthew's mother as she got the chance to call another little boy Peter and see him live past two days old. I know that I will never think Samuel's (possible) Eva is my Eva but I know it will warm my heart to have a living little Eva running around with some of my blood in her. Can't explain the joy I have in Peter's name!
Sweet baby Peter
Nathan and I helping Peter's dad with Peter's first bath. Nathan is the chillest baby ever if he's in a carrier and Peter was so relaxed in his bath. Those two are going to be friends. I know it.
Too bad all those towels are in the way and we can't see Peter.
*I have Holly's permission to share this story and these photos here.