I went to a breakfast with the church women this morning. I allowed them a glimpse into my broken heart during prayer time.
As I drove away I kinda regretted the things I said and the things I left unsaid. I am becoming increasingly aware that if I really share my brokenness with people that are not bereaved parents, I appear slightly nuts.
Why can't Em step forward, move forward, from this trauma? But how can I step forward when stepping forward leaves my little girl behind me? I have heard of other bereaved parents who have, over time, managed to move forward by keeping the love and leaving the pain. One day I will too. Carry the love with me always and leave the pain. But, right now, the pain is so intertwined with the love that I just can't untangle it.
I have been severely hurt by someone in our church and, while it was a relief to me that this person wasn't at the breakfast this morning, the whole experience has made me hesitant and a little afraid to share my heartbreak with my church. I drove home regretting letting others see the pain that is in me. Regretting some of the things I said and wishing I had said other things. Lighter things that would have effectively hidden some of the rawness of the hurt and the brokenness.
I know that most of the time I look okay to people now. I usually keep my tears confined to the shower, or the car, or a select few trusted friends. A good way to describe how I am right now is mostly okay on the outside and broken on the inside.
How many people walk around every day okay on the outside and broken on the inside?