I went to a breakfast with the church women this morning. I allowed them a glimpse into my broken heart during prayer time.
As I drove away I kinda regretted the things I said and the things I left unsaid. I am becoming increasingly aware that if I really share my brokenness with people that are not bereaved parents, I appear slightly nuts.
Why can't Em step forward, move forward, from this trauma? But how can I step forward when stepping forward leaves my little girl behind me? I have heard of other bereaved parents who have, over time, managed to move forward by keeping the love and leaving the pain. One day I will too. Carry the love with me always and leave the pain. But, right now, the pain is so intertwined with the love that I just can't untangle it.
I have been severely hurt by someone in our church and, while it was a relief to me that this person wasn't at the breakfast this morning, the whole experience has made me hesitant and a little afraid to share my heartbreak with my church. I drove home regretting letting others see the pain that is in me. Regretting some of the things I said and wishing I had said other things. Lighter things that would have effectively hidden some of the rawness of the hurt and the brokenness.
I know that most of the time I look okay to people now. I usually keep my tears confined to the shower, or the car, or a select few trusted friends. A good way to describe how I am right now is mostly okay on the outside and broken on the inside.
How many people walk around every day okay on the outside and broken on the inside?
Do you?
Sometimes. The only reason to hide your pain is if it makes things easier for you Em. You shouldn't, couldn't be "over" or ok with your daughter dying. It was only a few months ago. If people can't or won't grasp that, that is there problem.
ReplyDeleteYou have nothing to feel ashamed of in terms of expressing your pain. It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable.
I don't think a child is a bereavement that parents move on from. It is not like a parent dying. We never expected to lose our children - they should have been burying us - and we are programmed to think of our children always. I don't think you move on - it is more that you carry them with you to happier places, where the missing isn't so bad. I tell Madeleine about her sister often - that is part of the carrying. It gets easier. Other people will want to leave your daughter in the past, but there's no need to join in.
Much love to you - keep strong and keep going. I'm sorry your church doesn't feel a safe place to share at the moment. I find it comforting to know that other bereaved parents will always understand - even when others don't xx
Thank you Susan. This is just what I needed to hear today.
DeleteI think many people walk around hurting. And when people open up they become extremely vulnerable and open for judgement of others. I don't think the judgement is right but it happens! Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why people think they have a right to share their opinions or express how they think you/me/whoever should just be over their hurt. That is something that should NEVER be said to someone who is grieving or dealing with hurt. I do not understand the exact pain you are going through, but I have my own pain too. You are not alone! Plus God is forever with you and holds you so very tight.
Lindsey, I know you're walking a tough road right now too. And, you too, look so good on the outside. It's easy to forget for those on the outside how much I'm sure you hurt on the inside. I saw you at the pool the other day and it was so easy to just skim the surface of everything. I walked away wondering how you were really doing.
DeleteI think that when something tragic happens everyone flaps around you for a few days maybe a week or a month and there there is the desperation for normality. For normal routine. I found having Jess meant that I had to whack on my normal face a lot earlier than I felt prepared to. But by wearing a mask people think I'm alot more together than I am, I think it's important to let people know sometimes how you feel even if its done in a haphazard full on kind of way rather than controlled sometimes people are so busy taking care of their own lives they need reminding you need a lot of TLC too. You and I are a similar time frames in our grief, people may expect you to have moved forward but it's going to take a lot more time than a year. Someone told me when my sister died that grief is like an annoying yappy dog, runds behind you all the way yapping at your behind, until one day you bring it to heel and you'll find its walking beside you.
ReplyDeleteI just watched a really great video. It`s long (almost an hour) but totally worth it. The link is in Cheryl`s comment below. I hope you watch it too.
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ReplyDeleteI think that if you are "real" and you share what is on your heart, it gives permission for others in the group to feel more open about their struggles. They probably don't have as devastating a trial going on in their life, but they are all struggling in one or more areas and your willingness to open up, might open up a door for them to express their feelings/fears, etc.
ReplyDeleteI am speaking for myself here, but I will never leave the pain behind. It does not come quite as often or sometimes not as severely, but it can still bring me to my knees sobbing...and Caleb has been gone for four years now.
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15 We are called as Christians to be compassionate and we should know how others are doing so that we can be more of a help to them.
I'm not sure if you read my last post or not, but please check it out and then watch this video. Let me know what you think about the video. I think it should be a "must watch" especially for anyone who has lost a child.
My blog post:
http://we-are-nine.blogspot.com/2012/09/what-is-it-going-to-take-to-get-through.html
The Video link: What Is It Going To Take To Get Through This? http://thegospelcoalition.org/resources/a/grieving_a_loss
Much love,
Cheryl
Cheryl, I did read that last post but the length of the video made me postpone watching it, and then I forgot. Thanks for the reminder and also I just started watching it and now will finish it once the kids are in bed. Thanks.
DeleteI just watched the video in it's entirety Cheryl. It really is a great video. I cried pretty much the whole way through. But I also took notes. Thank you.
DeleteI'm so glad that you thought it was a great video. Her book helped me out so much when I was in the early stages of grief and I would recommend that too to anybody who has lost, especially a child. Holding On To Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It was a blessing to me.
DeleteWith love and ((hugs)) Cheryl
I suppose I look okay on the outside. I feel like I look much, much older, and just sadder than I did before Nathaniel. I know I'm broken on the inside.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Cheryl that if you are honest with your feelings then it gives other people permission to be honest as well, and they know that they can trust you with their own heartache and struggles. It sounds like there are people who don't understand your loss and who cannot abide with you in your grief, and I'm sorry if there are people in your community who have hurt you.
I don't know what it takes to get through this. Maybe I'll watch that video clip that Cheryl suggested, too.
I saw on your Lilypie ticker that it's been one year, one month, and one week since you said goodbye. Sending love to you and to Eva on this first day of autumn <3
Yes. Broken beyond all comprehension.
ReplyDeleteDo you read here?
http://missingmaxie.blogspot.com/2012/09/committed-to-healing.html
She raised issues that are bitterly universal to grieving - and the way that other people react to grieving.
And unfortunately, whatever church is supposed to be, I've generally found it one of the hardest places in the world to be accepted in grief.
Remembering Eva and you,
CiM
Oh - and I was so glad and grateful to see you writing on GLOW.
ReplyDeleteYour beautiful Eva...
oh, those little shoes.
Heart hurts,
CiM
More than I ever suspected. It's very sad.
ReplyDeleteLike Cathy, very glad to see your post on Glow. Thinking of you and your beautiful Eva xo
Yes. Otherwise, I would walk around wailing and shaking my fists everywhere I go. But I don't go very many places anyway. Still being a recluse for the most part.
ReplyDeleteLove to you and your gorgeous Eva. xoxo