Luxury

Because I can't physically cry 24 hours a day.

Because missing you is so intense sometimes, and softer othertimes.

Because I can't hold you like I want to every single day.

Because the 15th is extra special and extra painful.

Because you were born on the 15th and we were so happy to have a girl.

Because you died on the 15th and we were so shocked and devastated to lose our girl.

Because you are something sad that happened to us last year, to almost everyone else.

Because you are missed every single day by us.

Because your absence is so painfully obvious to me.

Because you would be 23 months old today.

Because I know you would be saying words now like mama and dada.

Because my heart is broken with grief over losing you.

Because I can see joy in the leaves changing colour this year.

Because you once breathed the same air I breathed.

Because now you breathe the air of Heaven.

Because you will always be my little girl.

Because of all these things and so so so much more I am going to quietly do something happy on the 15th. I am also allowing myself the luxury of thinking of you more on the 15th. Letting you into my thoughts more because the 15th is a sacred day to us. The 15th is Eva's Day.

Today, for me, for you, for us, I indulged in the luxury of joy by going to an antique auction with Oma. We didn't buy anything but we looked around at all the neat old stuff. We also enjoyed the leaves turning beautiful colours.

And this evening we went down and watered your trees. The maple is all sorts of beautiful reds right now. Gleaming in the crisp fall air.