Today I turn 35 years old. I am officially AMA. Advanced Maternal Age. And I'm pregnant. Hmmm...
Last year my birthday came 35 days after Eva died. I told my husband I wanted nothing to do on my birthday. I wanted no Happy Birthday. No cake. No present. No recognition whatsoever and nobody better utter the word Happy Birthday to me because there was no way my birthday could ever be happy again.
This year my mom bought us tickets to Stuart McLean and the vinyl cafe (the show isn't actually till the end of October, so that's nice). I still feel strange about Happy Birthday. This is not a happy time of year. These are the 2 months that Eva did not share with us. And the terrible grief of last year leaves an indelible mark on everything.
But I let Mike take me out for supper last night. To the Taj. The same restaurant we ate at for my birthday 2 years ago. I was hugely pregnant with Eva. In a way these two months are the two months we lived without Eva. But they are also the two months that I was very pregnant and anticipating her arrival. The little girl I had always hoped for.
Today we had birthday apple pie for breakfast. We put one candle in for each one of my children and, at Samuel's insistence, one for me too. My children are my richest gifts and blessings. Each child, and I, blew one out. Two were left burning. One for Eva and one for Hope. Samuel blew out Eva's and Vincent blew out Hope's. Samuel laid claim to Eva's candle for years to come. He sure loves his little sister.
I don't know how my birthday will change in the years to come. But I have a feeling it will always be kind of sad. It just falls smack dab in between Eva's death and her birthday. I'm glad the day is finally here because now it's almost over for another year again.
It's your birthday and I love you. Even though it's crappy, I still want to honor you on this day. Maybe next year I can make you some birthday coffee. (Baileys, yum.)
ReplyDeleteIt's a date for 2013 friend.
DeleteYes, you grieve because Eva wasn't there to celebrate it with you. I'm glad you had some special times with your Mom, the kids and Mike. Your life is worth celebrating! :)
ReplyDeletePREGNANT! Congratulations! Delighted! Rejoicing! :)
ReplyDeleteI hope the day was as kind to you as possible. Same goes for the next two months. Wishing Eva were here to blow out her candle.
ReplyDeleteThanks MIFD. It wasn't too bad actually. I received one extraordinarily thoughtful gift (for me and for Eva) in a very casual and loving way.
DeleteAhh,, I didn't know you were pregnant Em - what heart-warming news. My birthday is the day before the anniversary of Catherine's funeral, so I do get what you mean. Everything is very hard now. Birthday kisses to you. Advanced Maternal Age... tsk tsk... Miss M was born when I was 41. A lovely easy birth xx
ReplyDeleteI know many women who have successfully delivered later in life. I just never really thought I would be one of them. I'm just happy we were able to conceive and try to bring a baby home. Everything is fraught with so much more worry and uncertainty now. I know so many ways in which babies and children can die now.
DeleteCongratulations! I was 35 when my baby boy was conceived (albeit with 30yr old eggs) and born. I didn't think I'd be having a baby at 35, I'd originally expected to be done by 30. Which has now been pushed back to 40.
ReplyDeleteSilly me!
ReplyDelete