Wednesday, August 1, 2012

August.

So here we are in August. The month I hate the most and the tears have come unbidden and uncalled.

I remember all the hope we had at the beginning of last August. The coming home and the excitement to be in my own house again. Eva was home and now she's Home.

This August is so much different. We are approaching the end of the first year without Eva and my emotions run the gamut. We've had some really good news in our family recently but I feel that while I'm not focusing on some things anymore, the uncertain quicksand of my early grief has returned with a vengeance and I don't know who I am again. 

My grief for Eva has surged again and I know I'll manage to crawl my way out of this pit again too but I just miss her so much. I remember her sweet, smiling face and the joy that exuded from her eyes when she smiled. I just wish so bad I could hold her again and see her smile at me and see her walk in the grass outside.

I guess I'll always hate August.

The month death stole my daughter from me.

18 comments:

  1. The month our daughter died is horrid. June for me, august for you. I wish eva was here to hug and kiss. I am so glad you have memories of her alive, smiling at you, I'm jealous of your memories and my heart breaks for you because the rip tide of grief has pulled you under once again. Thus month will be hard for you, you will resurface. Sending you a hug knowing you need so much more.

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    1. Renel,
      Thank you for these words. They are exactly right. The riptide of grief has pulled me under once again and yes I will resurface, probably not until September though. I read about others' suffering through THE month and I didn't get it, no, not until I woke up to August this morning.

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  2. I hate August too. Hayes Was buried on the 18th, which is also my birthday. Yay. Happy day never again.

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    1. Happy Day never again is absolutely right.

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  3. Oh Em. I'm so sorry.

    August is a difficult month for me. I entered it with so much hope too.

    Thinking of you and Eva. Your daughter with her sweet, smiling face, with the joy in her eyes. Wishing that things were otherwise x

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    1. wishing, wishing, wishing...isn't that what we all do, and yet our wishes are as fleeting as mist on a lake.

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  4. The dates just fly by bringing back the memories and the sorrow fresh again. If it only it were all different and we could bring them back. If only we could turn back the hands of time and hold them once again.

    Missing your Eva with you. Sending you love.

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  5. Hi Em,

    Holding you close in prayer this month.

    The day Caleb died, I was sitting in my living room, numb from the shock of us finding our son, who had died during the night. I remember clearly that a woman from our church asked another person who was in the room, what the date was (probably just making small talk). I remember when someone else answered her "August 20th" I sobbed. That date would forever mean the beginning of the days of my life that I would be separated from my little Caleb. That date is forever etched in my "being" as a deep loss of many things...foremost our beloved son.

    Although I don't know exactly what you are going through, I have a pretty good idea the pain that you are having to endure.

    I was encouraged by you stating "I know I'll manage to crawl my way out of this pit again" because that is evidence of moving forward in your grief. In the beginning I know I didn't know if I would survive, but as time goes on I knew that I had times of the deepest grief, but then I would have a brief reprieve...almost like a cycle.

    Praying...
    With (((hugs))) and Hope,
    Cheryl

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    1. Cheryl,
      Yes, the first day of the rest of our lives without our children and the loss of so many things...so many, most of all, our beloved children.

      How so you handle August now?

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  6. You have been on my mind, in my prayers, and on my heart, and I think God was nudging me today to give you a call. We are grieving with you and for you, and As much as I wish that I could ease some of your grief, I know I can't. We will continue to hold you up in prayer to the only one that can , and as your friend, I will try and listen to the prompting of Gods voice when He places you on my heart. I love you Anella and thank God for your friendship and the week we had at camp getting to spend a little more time together.

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    1. Interesting you should say this because you've been on my mind to call too...

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  7. Oh Em. Nothing to say that can help, but sending love to you and your sweet girl all of this long month.

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    1. Thank you MIFD. When there are no words, thank you for your love.

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  8. Praying for you, Em, and your family... ~Renee

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  9. August for Eva. It was July for me - the end of chipping away every day as the first without Nathaniel. Now it's the second - the second August without him.

    July was heavier in the grief. I moved more slowly. I was so confused all of the time. I couldn't get anything done because I forgot the moment after I thought of doing something, and I forgot every plan I made right after I made it. My memory is coming back a bit now, I think.

    I hope you find a way to breathe through this month. Be gentle with yourself.

    Sending love and prayers to you and Eva <3

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    1. Suzanne, I am so confused. I look at my children on the porch and I hold the screen door open a second longer, waiting for one more to come out...one more that never will.

      And I wish August to be over but there is no way through the pain but simply through it.

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  10. Thank you for sharing your August pain. I am so thankful that I got to have a visit with you although I wish our topic of conversation could have been different because last August hadn't happened. Although I know that if God allows something to happen it is for the best for us and for His Kingdom, even though it doesn't feel like it. God gave you little Eva and what a treasure that was and will always be. {hugs}, ♥ and prayers

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