And here we are. Unbelievably. 1 year 1 day since my little girl died. And it still sucks.
Yesterday was exhausting. But ok. The kids watched Cars: the movie in it's entirety before noon.
Although somewhere in there I also read them stories and coloured trees with them and made hot cocoa.
I spoiled them. Because I wanted to spoil Eva.
They asked for stories. I read em stories. They asked for hot cocoa. We got out the hot cocoa in the summer. They wanted to eat lunch outside. We ate lunch outside. Partly it was easier to just do whatever they wanted than to say 'no'. Partly I wanted to read to Eva, make hot cocoa for Eva and feed her lunch outside so they got spoiled because I couldn't spoil their sister.
In the evening family came over and we planted 2 trees for Eva on our property. 1 flowering plum that is gorgeous pink in the spring and 1 flaming maple which is gorgeous red in the fall, just in time for Eva's birthday.
We had a hot dog roast afterwards. And marshmallows. And Owen wanted another one when he's only allowed one. I told him he could have Eva's. Another sweet concession.
All in all, considering what a super crappy day it was, it wasn't too bad. Strangely enough.
And now we enter the two months where there are no memories of Eva, other than me pregnant, and last year's wailing grief. But I remember being pregnant with her. And I remember the anticipation we had to meet our first and only daughter.
Who knew that a scant 10 months later she would be lying cold in my arms in ER. Who knew my baby would die in a room full of 10-15 medical personnel and that they would be unable to save her. Who knew I'd be screaming her name and begging God for my daughter. Who knew I'd hold her in my arms and yell out to the nurse 'she's breathing' only to be informed that those are dying gasps.
And so here we go again. Entering year two without my sweet girl. And it still sucks and hurts and sometimes I'd like to punch someone. But who? Who?
One year down. How many more to go?