Sunday, April 8, 2012

Joy comes in the morning

Today is Easter Day. It is not the actual day, but it is the day we celebrate the fact that Christ rose from the dead. He is risen indeed. Today is a happy, joyful day. Today we went to the sunrise service at our church. Everyone was smiling and happy. Our Lord has risen, in Him we have a hope and a future.

I was not smiling. I couldn`t sing although I read the words but I choked on them when I tried to sing. So I stopped. It was hard to be there with all those happy people. The Good Friday service, with all it`s sadness was more on my level this year. I felt a kinship with people in the church on Good Friday. Today I feel like an alien once again. I`m sure people who see me and who don`t know about our loss look at me and wonder what the heck is wrong with that woman. She must be awful to live with. She didn`t even smile at me when I smiled at her...sure wouldn`t want to be her husband. And look at her kids, bet it sucks to have her as a mother (side note: it probably does suck to have me as a mom these days). My guess is that even the people we know who do know about the little missing girl are starting to wonder why I`m still crying...after all it`s been almost 8 months now. Em really should be moving on. But it`s Eva that should be moving on. Eva should be almost 18 months old. One and a half years old. She should be walking. Starting to talk. Moving on. Moving on from the baby she was when she died.

There was a pancake breakfast at our church after the sunrise service. There was bacon, french toast, yogurt...My kids had also coloured hard-boiled easter eggs and could not wait to eat them on Easter morning. I sat at the table with my kids and our coloured eggs. Last Easter Eva was with us. I did not have the creativity in me to make eggs with so many little ones, and Eva only 6 months old.  I figured there would be lots of years to make Easter eggs with her and the boys. This year we have coloured eggs.

We did not stay for the main service today. There was a baby dedication happening and I was not putting myself through the emotional hell of seeing a living baby get dedicated. Baby dedications are hard enough but they are doubly painful because we never did dedicate Eva. It is something I really regret. I guess there are all sorts of regrets when you lose a child. Another one of mine is that I didn`t buy an Easter dress for Eva last year. Now she`ll never have one.

As Mike and I were driving home from church I told him it was probably for the best that there was a dedication and we didn`t go to the main service. The breakfast was bad enough, I just can`t stomach all those happy people gathered in one place.  Mike said that Easter is a happy day. If it weren`t for Easter and our risen Lord there would be no hope to see Eva again. Our lives would be a million times worse without the certainty of heaven. Mike is right. Easter is happy. Easter is hope. Joy comes in the morning. Without Easter I don`t know if I would have the strength to even slog through another day.

The weather is beautiful here today. We`ll be having an egg hunt outside. We have the matching Easter baskets out that I bought for all the kids last year. Eva`s is, of course, pink. I put it on her shelf with some pink eggies in it. I`ll be eating them later. I`ll have a shooter of tears to chase them down.

May we remember the light and the hope that Jesus brought to our world so many centuries ago now.

Joy comes in the morning.

Thank you Jesus, for Easter.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Em. I don't know much but I do know that anyone who thinks your husband is unlucky or that it would suck to have you as a mother is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I've had times in church when I couldn't get my words out, it's hard.

    To me, Good Friday is the heart anyway? Easter is the celebration but Good Friday is the heart. I hope that makes sense and isn't offensive to you? I was brought up in a Christian family (my mother is Presbyterian and my father, Anglican) so it is deep within me. But I'm getting into murky territory now, I'm not very informed on theological matters I'm afraid.

    I think you did the right thing by not staying for the main service and the dedication, be gentle to yourself. It must have been hard anyway, even without the dedication, with the memories of your Eva and the hope for many Easters yet to come with your precious daughter.

    I'm sorry that you did not get to dedicate Eva. I regret bitterly that I did not have Georgina baptised. Both my daughters were blessed in the hospital but I didn't want to have them baptised as that seemed so final, as though I were giving up. And I couldn't bear to have Jessica baptised without her twin. So she remains only blessed.

    I hope this comment isn't too clumsy, love to you and hoping and trusting that joy will return to you xo