Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I hate.

Something I hate is that by virtue of my suffering I am inadvertently, yet unceremoniously, kicked out of the places I thought were mine.

I am so angry that people with living children can just go obliviously about their business. I hate that this pain is sometimes eating me alive. I hate that I hate all of this. I just wish Eva was here and that I could participate in the growing-up of my daughter.


  1. I hate it, too, and I so wish your beautiful Eva was back in your arms, smiling.

    Lots of love to you and your precious girl. xo

  2. I'm so sorry Em! It is such a difficult dark road to walk sometimes.

    In the beginning of my grief journey an email group that I was involved with asked anyone who was interested to write a list of "I hate..."

    I remember writing my list...it was quite long. Afterwards I think that I did feel a *little* better. It is good to put our feelings into words...It almost gives our feelings more weight and therefore they feel more valid somehow...or at least that is how I felt. Go ahead...be sad and mad and let it out as often as you need to...all too many people keep it in. Other people, especially who are new to their very own grief journey will be encouraged by your boldness and moved by your loss too.

    With Hope,

  3. Oh, yes. I know this hating of the hating. I used to be such a nice person. Or at least I thought I was, and I liked myself for being a nice person. I loved everyone most of the time, and liked myself for that.

    Now, I think most other people are (nasty bad word fill in the blank here). Especially people with babies. And I hate myself for hating other people. I hate myself for not being able to look at babies, connect with my friends who have babies, and for turning into a hermit.

    There are so many thorny places on this path. I hope, for both of our sakes, that the grace is that much greater when we can find it.

    I'm so sorry there is so much pain right now.


  4. It is so very, very, very hard. Hugs to you, dear mama. xx

  5. I love that you wrote this, be true to your feelings, your totally justified in them.
    I think about you & little Eva so often, and cry, THIS is one parent who does not go about my day with oblivion. Every time I look at my daughter I get angry for you, I know it may seem absurd but I look at her and wonder, why did I get to keep her? surely it is not because I deserved her more. I read what you write & I feel your pain pierce through me, I think to myself, I bet she is 10X the mother I could ever hope to be. Your are SO strong, so so so strong of a mother, a wife & faithful in your beliefs, I read your post about Easter, it broke my heart, there are so many special moments you can still share with Eva, just in a different way, go and buy your beautiful Princess her 1st Easter dress, send it up to Heaven for her, keep it in her keepsakes or maybe take it to her grave for her(not sure if she has one) but take back those moments as much as you can, maybe it will give you a little more comfort.
    I read your other post about people probably thinking you should be "over" it after all it has been 8 months, PLEASE don't do that to yourself, I can guarentee you not a single soul looks at your grief & thinks that, and if they do they are surely not worth the breath they breathe. I have never had a loss such as yours consume me, although I've had many others, I am not sure 80 years would be enough time to get my wits about me if I did, never mind a measly 8 months, you have & deserve all the time you'll ever need, your allowed to be angry & not want to look at babies, to me that's more then understandable!
    Your are so strong & so faithful in & to your whole life, don't ever forget to be thankful for what you do have, but don't ever feel bad for mourning for what you don't.

  6. Thank you for this comment, Broken Lines. I appreciate it. I really do.