Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The journey to old.

I am feeling old.

Not really old. But old to be bearing children. I'm not really that old but age is how you feel I guess, and I feel old. Or at least on the journey to old.

I am tired.

And I am hopeful. Tremblingly hopeful this baby might be the Hope of my dreams, but afraid to hope too much because a boy would be loved all the same.

And I feel like there are places in my heart that can only be healed by the touch of my own baby girl, Eva's sister. I could be wrong. But, I don't think so.

And I am also afraid of a girl. Afraid of the emotions that would well up in me if we had a girl. Afraid of being over the top paranoid about a baby girl. Afraid of her dying too, like her sister.

I feel like this is the end of my journey through birth. And I am not sad. About that. We will never make the mistake we made in February 2011 again, so, I could be wrong about that too, but I don't think so.

And so I hope and fear and love all in one breath.

For Eva's sister. Or another brother.


6 comments:

  1. Speaking from my own heart and my own experience, both girl and boy have been special-ly healing in their own way. Praying, rejoicing, remembering, hoping all in one prayer- for you :) Love, Renee

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  2. Still reading...and praying :)

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to comment Heidi.

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  3. I don't know if you follow other blogs, but I thought of you this morning when I read this blog http://babybolte.blogspot.com/2014/04/meet-lily-grace.html God will meet us where ever He has brought us. (((hugs)))

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    1. I do follow other blogs, including yours, but hadn't come across this one yet.

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