Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The journey to old.

I am feeling old.

Not really old. But old to be bearing children. I'm not really that old but age is how you feel I guess, and I feel old. Or at least on the journey to old.

I am tired.

And I am hopeful. Tremblingly hopeful this baby might be the Hope of my dreams, but afraid to hope too much because a boy would be loved all the same.

And I feel like there are places in my heart that can only be healed by the touch of my own baby girl, Eva's sister. I could be wrong. But, I don't think so.

And I am also afraid of a girl. Afraid of the emotions that would well up in me if we had a girl. Afraid of being over the top paranoid about a baby girl. Afraid of her dying too, like her sister.

I feel like this is the end of my journey through birth. And I am not sad. About that. We will never make the mistake we made in February 2011 again, so, I could be wrong about that too, but I don't think so.

And so I hope and fear and love all in one breath.

For Eva's sister. Or another brother.


  1. Speaking from my own heart and my own experience, both girl and boy have been special-ly healing in their own way. Praying, rejoicing, remembering, hoping all in one prayer- for you :) Love, Renee

  2. Still reading...and praying :)

    1. Thank you for taking the time to comment Heidi.

  3. I don't know if you follow other blogs, but I thought of you this morning when I read this blog God will meet us where ever He has brought us. (((hugs)))

    1. I do follow other blogs, including yours, but hadn't come across this one yet.