Every moment you are with me,
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Every moment.
Three and a half years old you would be. Three and a half. I miss you so much my sweet, sparkly Eva girl. There are days I still cannot comprehend that you are gone forever and ever until I die. There are days when I just can't believe I'm here living and that to other people I look whole when there is always a giant hole in my heart and my mind never lets you go. And I don't talk to other people about you as much as I once did. Maybe they think I have forgotten you and so don't mention your name either for fear I will suddenly remember and break down. But nothing could be further from the truth. You are always on my mind and always in my heart. Every moment you are with me and I think how the moment would have been different if you were physically a part of it.
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I've been feeling this a lot lately, too. Just because I don't break down and sob every time I talk about her doesn't mean I don't miss her with my whole heart every single day.
ReplyDeleteI know. Charlotte is always there. Eva too.
DeleteI still can't bring Caleb up in my Bible studies that I attend, for the most part, six years later because I know I would sob. I thought that by now I would be able to share how God has helped me through this tragedy, but I can't even talk about it in a group without falling apart. I know that God has carried me, but just knowing that I will get emotional is awful. I think that others are careful around me because they don't want to upset me. They know that I will never get over this loss. I will carry it with me throughout my years.
ReplyDeleteDo you think they don't bring him up because they are being careful with you or is it because they think it doesn't really Matter anymore...that you are fine...
DeleteEm, I know we hardly ever see each other, but when I do, I think of Eva too. Not in a detached, piteous way either, but because it's reality, and I know she will never leave you. I may not say anything, but it certainly isn't because she or your pain are forgotten. I think most often it is because I fear hurting others ... that if I say anything, I will say it wrong, and it is better to keep my mouth shut. I am constantly second guessing myself, whether I say something or not, and I hate that.
ReplyDeleteAll that said, I'm sorry I didn't make the effort to come over and chat with you at the AHEA conference. I would have liked to talk with you, and see Nathan.
Thank you for taking the time to comment Sarah. And for telling me you thought about Eva. Even if you didn't tell me t the time. It's not always easy to know what to do or say. I understand.
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