Today is a sweet bitter day as we celebrate Nathan's first birthday and yet my grief runs afresh for never having Eva's first to celebrate except to eat cake she would never taste and sing to an empty chair.
Celebrating my little boy today, missing my girl and giving up my dream of ever having my own baby girl to raise.
Yes I can imagin it is bittersweet. That seems like a perfect word. I am so very sorry you did not get to have that day with precious Eva. I am guessing you found out your having a boy? If that is the case first let me say congratulations! It has hurt me so much that with every boy people almost say their sorry rather than congratulations. Second let me say I am sorry that your dream feels far away or imposiable. I would never compare my sorrow with yours -at all-but I have tasted the sad letting go of the dream of a daughter also. Because of a tragic situation in my childhood one of my greats desire was a sister. I desperately wanted/want a sister for Shayla. I actually cried when they told me Jonathan was a boy... Then he died and I was devastated. Lots of sorrow and guilt was accociated with those tears. Anyway I really felt Julian was/is our last baby and I had to lay that dream down. Shayla still prayes every night for a sister. When I heard Julian was a boy I was a little sad and sooooo mad at myself for feeling that way. I just wanted you to know I have struggled with God's choice and I am praying for his peace and comfort for you! Whatever his plans are for your family...they are good plans. I know you Know that, I am rambling, sorry. Just know your on my heart and I will be praying for you. You are a good mommy!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Em. The first of anything are hard, even if they are happy too. Grief is so hard and it can steal our joy even in the happiest moments. Hang in there, thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday to sweet Nathan and hugs for you Em ((hugs)).
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