People seem to think I'm worried about Nathan. I'm not. Of course it's always there a little bit...but not more so than on other days...
The truth is I'm okay. I'm not expecting him to die. The hardest part is reliving Eva's last days, only two more tuck ins and there would never be another for my little girl and I. In three more days Nathan will no longer ever be the little brother.
He is already heavier than Eva ever was and moves more and eats more...but in three more days he will have lived longer than his big sister ever did on earth. And that hurts. Even though I wouldn't want him to stay the little brother...of course I want him to grow but, thing is, I want her to. I want my sweet little big Eva too!
Love to you, dear friend.
ReplyDeleteOf course, this is quite different, but I remember so clearly the day that M had lived longer that Anja ever had and it was so, so hard for me to accept. It hurt so very much. Sending love to you and remembering little big Eva with you.
ReplyDeleteWhat ever it is, it isn't nothing. It's poignant, isn't it? It's just another way that things are messed up and wrong. I am guessing that Nathan turning one might sting a bit too - the birthday didn't get :( Whatever it is, it will come, and you will cope, one way or another. Go storm the trail Em, and you can hold my hand next year xx
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