The 15th has rolled around again. I can pretty safely say that this is the last 15th where I will not have held our baby Hope/Nathan in my arms. Alive or dead s/he will have spent time in my arms.
Somewhere, somehow, along the line of the last nineteen 15ths that I have had to endure without my precious Eva, the pain of them has become duller. Sometimes I hate how the pain has become duller. I hate how the survival mechanism of being alive has made it so that the pain has to become duller.
Do I miss her less? No.
Do I love her less? No.
There is a word in french that I've been thinking about alot-indomptable. It literally means untameable but can also mean unquenchable, ever-springing, unbeatable. I think of that word alot in regards to hope. It is our human way to have this ever-springing, unquenchable hope. Even in the midst of tragedy. It somehow keeps going. This unquenchable hope for better days. Hope for heaven. Hope for a living baby that keeps living. Unquenchable hope.
The hope that keeps us getting up in the morning.
And I remembered the 15th and prayed for you. It is so true about hope.God put that capacity in us to help us 'get out of bed in the morning'. He also made us to love and gave us the capacity to never forget our love for our little ones, whether with us or gone to heaven as Eva has.
ReplyDelete