Poof!

I can tell that everyone in our family is getting antsy about this new baby coming. Me included.

Yesterday Samuel brought up again the fact that he tripped and fell while holding Eva as a baby. Did it cause her heart to slide out of order? he asked.

Vincent asked a friend who was babysitting him if their baby died could he have her mobile?

Theodore prays almost daily to God to bring Eva down from Heaven.

Vincent asked me to make sure that when he dies he would get a shelf next to Eva with all his favourite things on it. This is especially hard for me to hear as he has a bruise on his cheek that has been there for a couple of weeks and has circles under his eyes. I am so afraid of him getting cancer. For some reason it's always Vincent that I envision so sick. My trickster Vincent with his indomptable spirit.

A few times I've referred to this baby as Eva, in my thoughts. It's a mind-blower when that happens.

I really want a girl but I can see the benefits of a boy. No one will think this baby has replaced Eva and there will be no confusion for the kids that this baby is Eva come back from heaven. This baby is his/her own little person. No one should bear the burden of being or replacing their dead sibling. Although the part of me that is always wishful thinking would love it if that could be so.

Someone asked me today if I was anxious about the birth. I replied that I just want this baby to be born alive and stay that way. Well, you've had good births before haven't you? Yes but there are no guarantees. Oh, Em, you need to think positive.

Think positive?  I know people are well-meaning but positive thinking will get me nowhere fast. I was the most positive thinker on the planet when Eva died. And if there's one thing I've really learned in this journey since Eva's death is that there are no guarantees. None. And we must seize every moment of love that we can. Every moment of joy. Every moment of a living baby kicking within. Every moment of our children's lives. Every moment of togetherness.

Because it can end. Like that. From one moment to the next we can be gone or, worse, they can be gone. And no amount of positive thinking can change their gone-ness. Poof!