This isn't the life I thought I would have.
Sometimes I lie in bed and look out the window to the expanse of snow covered fields.
The whiteness envolopes me.
I wonder how this could be my life.
It's sure not what I expected it to be.
So many good things.
I have a husband.
I have a house.
I live in the country.
I have horses.
I have loud sons running in the halls (I always envisioned a daughter).
I have a daughter. In Heaven.
I am going to have a daughter here on earth when and if the adoption ever goes through.
I am pregnant for the fifth time (never, ever in a million years thought I'd be pregnant 5 times!).
I grew up in the city.
I played in alleys.
I was an out-of-control little rebel.
It's a miracle I never drank or did alot of drugs.
I treeplanted in mud and sleet and snow and what felt like hell.
I taught snowboarding in Whistler (another miracle that I never really got into the drug scene).
And over all this I look at my Eva.
Stare at her blue eyes gazing back at me.
I never thought my life would turn out like this.
These tears that come unbidden.
This rage that surfaces when I least expect it.
This emotional roller coaster of anger and sadness, and some joy. This constant longing for someone I've missed longer than I've known. This looking at other little girls the same age as Eva would be and wondering what she would look like...knowing that this child I am looking at is not my daughter. Does not look like my daughter would look like, but the ache is there.
I find 10 month old babies especially hard to handle. Knowing that I happily approached the 10 month mark, but never passed it. See those little 10 month old babies grow and surpass my daughter. Never to be younger than her ever again.
All these things I never thought I'd think. This life I never thought I would live. This constant ache despite the joy. And yet, my Eva was a joy. A true joy. And her smile reflected her inner joy. Had she lived I think she would have been a joyful child here. Always looking at the bright side.
What does she look like in heaven? And I know that when the time comes for me to cross to the other side I will know her. There will be no question, I will know her. My daughter.
What I wouldn't do just for a glimpse . A glimpse today. A glimpse of my precious girl.