Last night I went to a meeting for a new pregnancy care center in our small city. There were alot of people there that I knew and some that I didn't. I wondered at the story of the people there listening and learning and processing.
Eva was so close to me last night. And the parallel universe that I don't inhabit. The parallel universe where I have a 2 year old daughter and am starting to take clients as a doula. The parallel universe where I don't know this excruciating pain. The parallel universe where I am, at once more intact and less than I am now. The parallel universe where I am still friends with the people who have hurt me and abandoned me in the universe I live in now. The parallel universe where I don't know myself or others as well as I do now. The parallel universe where I am not embarking upon newbornhood once again and where this little hope in my belly does not even exist at all.
We are given what we are given and while my mind often goes to that parallel universe. Rarely moreso than last night surrounded by people who I once knew well and some I know well now. People I can relate to both less and more. Now that I have suffered true suffering. Now that the chasm is there. The chasm that seperates and the chasm that brings together.
I wondered at my eyes last night. Do people see the sadness behind the smile...or am I complete the way a chocolate easter bunny is complete? Perfect candy eyes glued onto the perfect chocolate shell of me. But a black hole within? Do I want them to see the grief I always hold or do I want them to see the shell? Both, maybe. I am okay. But I also am not okay.
After the meeting last night I went to the store and bought some sz 1 diapers for our little Hope or Nathan. Sz 1 diapers and nipple cream I know I will need if this baby comes alive. Sz 1 diapers and cream I can give away if I don't get to use them.
It felt good, though, to buy something for this little one. Something for the baby that lives in the universe that I am in. Something I would never be buying in the parallel one. The one my heart and mind travel to so often.
I think, as this pregnancy progresses, and we are getting closer to the possibility of a reality with a child that never would have existed without the death of our beloved daughter I find myself turning inwards and savoring the moments of pure desire for the parallel universe. Because I know when I see this baby and hold them in my arms, it will be so hard to imagine a parallel universe without him or her.
Each universe will be lacking a child.