The old anger returned today. Wrenching me and pulling at all the wrong places. And I tried to understand it. It's not the 15th (yet) although that is coming tomorrow but I've been getting better at managing the 15th these days...
And then I knew. It's Valentine's Day. Heart Day. My friend's house has a banner up that says 'Happy Heart Day'. We have a pink heart on our chalkboard. We gave out heart shaped valentines to our friends (but none of those hearts were broken). I have little heart shaped boxes with cinnamon hearts inside on the table for the kids later. Hearts, hearts, hearts. Hearts everywhere. And Eva's heart broke. And mine will never be the same again. And the anger raged.
And my little heart baby is gone. Gone, gone, gone. And I am here. Without her, stuck with my broken, yet functional, heart. And it sucks. You know, it really sucks. I can't describe how much it hurts and enrages me to be here without her STILL. Yes, still, yes I am STILL broken and grieving.
Yes, Jesus, lover of my soul, is my comforter, but it still sucks. Big time. And I am angry and tired and today I heard the perfect heartbeat of our little hope baby at a pre-natal visit and we discussed what will happen in the hospital after birth of our hopefully living baby and how his/her heart will be checked, double checked and re-checked. And my heart travels backwards in time, wishing that this checking had happened for Eva. Wishing again. All that damn wishing that accomplishes nothing.
But wishing nonetheless. As my heart continues to beat a steady rhythm in my chest.
Happy Heart Day.