Tuesday, May 15, 2012

9 months

9 months I carried Eva in my belly. Actually over 9 months. Our little princess was 12 days over her due date. All my babies, except Theodore who arrived right on his due date, were late. 10 days on average.

Now it's been 9 months since I held her living, breathing body in my arms. 9 months since she breathed here on earth. Women are giving birth today to babies that were balls of cells or blastocysts or zygotes when Eva was alive. There is something about passing this milestone that I have known was coming for 9 months now. This milestone that defines babies from Eva's 'generation' to babies beyond.

If I had gotten pregnant when Eva died I would be close to giving birth right now. Obviously I haven`t. We were done, so happily done with having babies when we had Eva. Four was enough. Four was amazing. Four was alot, to me, an only child. We also had a little bonus girl living with us. We had 5 children 5 and under in our house. We were busy. We were done. So happily done.

When Eva died we gained a new perspective on life. We came to realize the value, sanctity, and eternity of Life. We suddenly realized the Truth. Although Eva was dead, she was alive. She is still our daughter. She is in Heaven. She is alive. Life is eternal. Before Eva died I knew this truth with my head but since her death I have claimed this Truth with my heart. How sad that Eva died. How we miss our darling girl. But how much sadder if she had never lived at all.

9 months is such a huge milestone. It marks us getting farther and farther away from her. Now there will be babies conceived and born that never overlapped with the zygotes that overlapped with Eva. I know this doesn`t make much sense but it`s just such a weird sensation. 9 months has so much meaning, so many twists and turns and punches in the gut.

When Eva turned 9 months old we took her in for her 9 month pictures. I never thought we`d get those 9 month pictures back when she was in the PICU with tubes down her throat. Laying there so connected to wires that I couldn`t hold her without a nurse helping to lift her into my arms. So connected that I stayed seated in those horrible chairs for hours. Holding my pee for hours and hours because getting up and giving up my daughter was an ordeal that involved 3 people. So connected but so disconnected. Oh, my sweet girl. When I got those pictures I thought she would make it. I really did. I thought I had my girl back. I thought we had gone through the darkness. I thought we had gotten our miracle. I thought the worst was over. So little I knew.

I hoped and prayed that I would be expecting by this 9 month milestone. This milestone that marks so much more separation from Eva, somehow. That we could have a zygote or a blastocyst or an embryo giving us just a little hope. A little one that overlapped with the babies that overlapped with our breathing daughter. Alas, we are still waiting for Hope. I hesitated to share this with you because now you know. Now you know another one of my secrets.

On the other hand, I have learned alot about grief this month and I am absolutely certain I would not have learned what I did had I had the joy of hope.

In His timing, all will be made clear.


  1. Hi. You don't know me but I follow your blog. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl. I think of you often.

    1. Thanks for the wave Stephanie. You were one of the very,very first followers of my blog. How did you find out about it?

  2. I know. Nine months is such a weird turning point. I'm keenly aware of Nathaniel's nine month mark, and I watch his little ticker tick by the days. . .

    I hope that in the coming months you find your Hope:) But to be honest, Em, it's really hard that everyone in our bl group seems to be conceiving or at least trying to conceive. There are moments when I would love another little one, but we haven't found our way to the same page at the same time and now I'm wondering if it will happen at all. I wonder if I will ever be able to hold a baby again.

  3. Thanks Suzanne,
    I know what you mean about it being hard that everyone seems to be ttc. But, we have very little hope at this time. So it will probably be a while. Likely, a long while, if ever. Even though, I hope. I do hope.
    I'm sorry you haven't found yourselves on the same page at the same time. I know what you mean about wondering if you'll ever hold a baby again. I wonder that all the time. I was okay with growing out of babyhood, but to have Eva wrenched so violently from my arms was so devastating.
    Remembering Nathaniel with you.

  4. 9 months. Oh, such a difficult time. I'm sorry a new little life hasn't found it's way to your family yet. Praying it will happen soon. Trying again after loss is so hard. xx