Not the worst Christmas.

I'll admit, this is not the worst Christmas of my life.

I am enjoying it, with an asterisk.

But it feels like a betrayal to Eva to enjoy something like Christmas without her. How can I possibly feel joy when my child is dead?
I feel like a rotten mother to Eva when I can enjoy celebrations here on earth and I feel like a rotten mother to my earth side kids when they don't have a mother who is present because she's weeping over the one who is missing.

It's a sucky lose-lose situation and I'm sad. Sad that my family can never be complete again this side of heaven. Sad that it's Christmas Eve and I always found Christmas Eve to be the most magical night of the year. And I still feel that magic this year* but there's something missing. Someone missing. And I anticipate the Saviour's birth* but it's all so different without all my children here.

And my heart goes out especially this year to those families enduring their first Christmas without their child.  K thinking especially of you and your little R, with Christmas and his birthday so close together. Wish I could give you a real hug.