Loving too much

When Nathan was born I held him and admired him and just stared at him for hours and hours. I could not get enough of him. I could not believe he was actually really real and really here.

And I was terrified. His sheer tininess magnified the largeness of my fears in losing him.

Now I can spend hours watching him sleep. Watching his chest move up and down.

Sometimes I wonder if I love him too much. I am scared that God is going to take him too...because I love him too much. Love him so much my heart hurts in another way.

I know too many families who have lost more than one child to imagine that I am in any way immune from losing another one of my precious children.

Vincent asks me almost every night these days if he thinks he is going to die that night. I say, no, I don't think you are going to die tonight. My children often talk about how they want to die and go to heaven to be with Eva. I tell them I want to die first. I hate these conversations but I love that heaven is part of our daily life. Because eternity is what matters...

 

This is me admiring Nathan in his first few weeks of life outside. I spent hours in that chair just taking him in.

 

I love these kiddos sooo much...ice cream faces and all...just one missing...